Day Gamer

For the ladies, here are “5 tips to make it easier to date” from Harlan Cohen, a nationally syndicated advice columnist. Now he’s written the next “He’s Just Not That Into You.”  Harlan’s helping millions of people say what they think and do what they feel so they can find the love of their lives. His new book Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding The Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober) tackles how taking risks can positively impact your dating life.

1. Put yourself in rooms and places where men can easily find you (online and offline). 

2. Say what you think and do what you feel  (but keep it clean).

3. Make eye contact and let a man catch you (but try not to stare, that can be creepy.

4. Ask friends, family, and coworkers to set you up with specific men who interest you.

5. Say “Hi,” ask  questions, and suggest getting together in the future (but let him ask you on a date).

They can be found on Harlan’s blog as well, http://ning.it/VM6xMe.

I was recently put in touch with local Interior Designer, Elizabeth Rosendorf, president and owner of e.rose designs, who kindly offered to give us (and DC Life Magazine, where I run the dating column) some tips on making our abodes date friendly.

I’m going to add a few suggestions of my own, coed ideas that are less “designy.”  For me, being prepared has always helped me set up a good experience or save the night when something unexpected happens.  Ways to be prepared:

1)     Have ingredients and recipes (that you have tried) on hand so that you can whip up breakfast, lunch or dinner on a moment’s notice.  If you know someone is coming over for a meal, then you can plan better what you will be cooking, but if he or she just happened to come over after the movie (or wherever the date happens to be), it will be more on the fly.  It isn’t difficult to learn how to make a few good dishes. And, yes Elizabeth, it is good to have fruit on hand.

2)     Have specialty food items on hand. If you have gourmet or interestingly flavored items (chocolate, potato chips, ginger ale, cookies, iced tea, etc.), it can certainly add to the experience.  Many people are always looking to try new things, and it also shows that you either are adventurous or have good taste.  These items don’t have to be expensive—I often find interesting specialty food items at World Market, Trader Joe’s, or on sale at Whole Foods.

3)     Have ingredients and recipes handy to make good cocktails. Have some good or interesting wine and beer around as well.  I’ve gotten good beer suggestions from Arrowine in Arlington and the Beer Manager at Whole Foods Arlington, and any decent wine store can make good suggestions as well.

4)     Your local pharmacy is your friend. If your date needs Advil, Imodium AD, a toothbrush, etc., it would be helpful to have them handy before the date is ruined.  Just be prepared for the worst, and while you are at it, always have a first aid kit and fire extinguisher handy as well–I’ve had use for both on dates.  I’m assuming I don’t have to tell you to have condoms and such on hand.

5)     Have a good selection of DVDs as well.  You can invite him or her over to watch movies or can have an impromptu movie night.

-Cuisine

Here are Elizabeth’s separate lists of suggestions for men and women:

Interior Design: Top 10 Ways for a Guy to Make His Space Girl Friendly

1)     Eliminate futons from your home. We know it’s tempting, because they’re convenient and inexpensive, but resist the urge to futon it up, because futons scream man cave. You don’t need to spend a fortune to get a sofa and/or bed, and you don’t need to buy anything super “designy.” If you don’t want to pay full price, buy off of Craig’s List. Your date will appreciate the effort, because sofas and beds are always more welcoming to a woman than a series of nondescript futons.

2)     Get rid of semi-broken and battered furniture. We know you love your arm chair, despite (or perhaps because of) the big rips in the upholstery, and the way it creaks when you crank out the foot rest, but your girlfriend will feel more comfortable if your furniture is in decent condition. It’s good to have lived in, comfortable furniture, but know the difference between broken in and just plain broken.

3)     Don’t let your entertainment center be the most eye catching decoration in your home. There’s nothing wrong with having a big, state-of-the art entertainment center, but add a few pictures or paintings on the walls. Which brings us to number 4:

4)     Blank walls are not welcoming. You don’t want to plaster your walls with images, but spend some time choosing paintings or pictures that represent you. Love soccer? Find a picture of your favorite soccer team. Close to your nieces and nephews? Put up a family montage. And remember to frame and hang everything. Posters tacked to the walls are the province of teenaged set.

5)     If you have the flexibility in your lease, or you own your place, add paint colors to the walls to break up the typical monotony of white/beige walls everywhere. You don’t need to paint every wall or every room. Decide what works for you. Color adds visual interest, and it will give your home a more individual feel.

6)     Stock your fridge with items other than beer. If you happen to enjoy beer, definitely keep some on hand, but put some other necessities in the fridge, like milk, eggs, fruit and yogurt, and keep some cereal in the pantry. You want to be able to offer your girlfriend breakfast in the morning. Which brings us to number 7:

7)     Get a decent set of matching dishes. Your girlfriend will appreciate it if the cereal bowls and the plates go together.

8)     Keep a few bottles of wine around even if you don’t drink it. Lots of women might enjoy a glass of wine with dinner, or after, and they’ll feel more like they belong in your space if you have a bottle on hand. Make sure to stock a few wine glasses, too, so she isn’t stuck drinking wine out of a regular glass. Extra points if you buy a wine rack to hold your bottles.

9)     Get a set of book shelves for your books. I’ve seen a lot of guys just stack up their books in the corner, which creates clutter in their space, particularly when you have a lot of books, and the piles are starting to tip over.

10)    Get matching bed sheets to give your bedroom a more finished feel. Unmatched sheets are distracting, and a put together set will allow your girlfriend to focus on you, rather than the bedding.

Interior Design: Top 10 Ways for a Woman to Make Her Space Guy Friendly

1)     Balance girly touches with neutral colors and clean lines. If you put fluffy cushions on the couch, the couch itself should have smooth lines. If the cushions happen to be pink, go for an off white sofa.

2)     For a more dramatic contrast, go with a black sofa/living room chair set, which will make your girly cushions pop.

3)     In the bedroom, silky sheets in a light color are fantastic and add a feminine touch. A ruffled pink bedspread, not so much. You want your space to feel womanly but you also don’t want your guy to think he’s in “girl world”. Feminine highlights should be just that-highlights.

4)     If you’re naturally less girly, don’t be afraid to show it. There’s no law that says you need pastel or pink/purple highlights. On the other hand, a full on man cave look is not the best approach either. Pick a look that suits you and emphasizes your version of femininity.

5)     My favorite romantic bedroom touch: Hang a mosquito net over your bed and spread it out to surround the entire bed. Or staple colorful wall hangings to the ceiling over your bed to create an exotic feel. It makes your bedroom feel welcoming and feminine but not overwhelmingly so.

6)     If you have the flexibility in your lease, or you own your space, add color to the walls. Pick shades that you feel represent you to give your home an individual feel. Balance brightly colored walls with warm beiges or cool whites, depending on the shades you choose.

7)     Keep some beer in your fridge. Maybe you drink it, too, but even if you don’t, lots of guys do, so it’s best to be prepared.

8)     Buy a few beer steins so if your date does drink beer, he isn’t stuck drinking it out of a wine glass. Extra points if you keep a cool bottle opener on hand.

9)     Keep a few modern vases around your space so you’ll be prepared in case a date gives you flowers. There is nothing more awkward than getting flowers on a date and having to lay them on the table due to a lack of vases. Alternatively, buy flowers for yourself and have fun showing them off in your vases.

10)    Add some pictures and paintings to your walls that represent who you are. Have a favorite football team? Love dance? Put up pictures and paintings that show your world.

Elizabeth’s Bio: Elizabeth Rosendorf, president and owner of e.rose designs, draws on a wealth of experience to provide personal styling, interior design, graphic design, and architectural 3D modeling solutions. She holds a Masters of Interior Design from the Corcoran College of Art + Design, and she has built on her interiors base to develop expertise in graphics, fashion, and 3D modeling. Her philosophy is that the desired design and style exist within the client, and it is her goal to draw this design out and articulate it through her work. Rather than simply placing a solution on her client, she seeks to find the solution within the customer, and then give it form. Her design sensibilities are informed by her upbringing in Washington, DC and by her time spent studying and working in France and Germany, and traveling through Europe. She is devoted to promoting sustainability, and is a Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design Accredited Professional (LEED AP).

I decided to take Dr Eigen up on his interview offer, which I am glad I did since his answers were thoughtful and insightful. The original message his publicist sent me is below:

“In today’s world, the average relationship seems to last anywhere between a few months to a few years.  Long term commitments seem almost to belong to another age.  Often it seems we live in a crazy world and therefore accept crazy relationships.  People in relationships seem guarded and unwilling to let their partners in.  Some argue this is only because of the troubled economic time that we live in.  Others argue we are seeing so many dysfunctional relationships because the role of a man and woman are blurred.  What is the cause of so many short term relationships?  How can people have long term and meaningful relationships?

Able to discuss this and more is Dr. David Eigen, a leading psychologist and author of the books, Men – The Gods of Love and Women – The Goddesses of Wisdom.  Dr. Eigen discusses why so many live in a crazy world and have crazy relationships.  He discusses also how to have a healthy and normal relationship.  Dr. Eigen has appeared on CNN and HLN for his expertise.  Would you be interested in interviewing him on this?”

The Interview:

C: How do you feel the roles of men and women have blurred, and why does that lead to dysfunctional relationships?

Dr. E:   Men are taught and inherently are leaders who must also balance their feminine side. The Women’s Liberation movement taught women that being feminine was demeaning. It correctly taught women that abuse was unacceptable; they are equals of men and should be respected. They are equal but different. Unfortunately, blame was laid on men, not the patriarchal teachings and femininity. There solution was to become men, but not powerful balanced feminine beings. I see that many women are as aggressive and pushy in a masculine manner. This will emasculate their intended victim, who losses self-confidence and becomes less of a man, more passive and feminine, or rejects this and runs. Why is this balance so important? Because the balance between your inner male and female is a direct reflection of your ability to love and be loved!

C: Define some roles that you feel are (or should be) male roles and some that are (or should be) female roles.

Dr. E: These are the attributes listed in Women the Goddesses of Wisdom:

MEN                                              WOMEN

MENTAL                                       EMOTIONAL

Giver                                             Receiver

Doing                                               Being

Control Situations                    Capacity to Relate

Presenting Component            Receiving Vessel

Initiator of Life                          Producer of Life

Rigidity                                          Flexibility

Be Directive                                 Give Direction

Strength                                         Sensitivity

Focus                                          Inspiration

Structure                                            Vision

Intellect                                              Faith

Logic                                             Intuition

Guardian                                         Nurturer

Provider                                         Sustainer

Order                                                Fluid

Linear                                             Circular

Rational                                          Symbolic

Warrior                                          Defender

C: Is it more difficult for right-brained men and left-brained women to find love and LTRs? How and why?

Dr. E: Yes, because they have reversed their roles, which probably will lead to disharmony, dissatisfaction and, eventually, a break-up.

C: How do you feel tough economic times lead to dysfunctional relationships? Can’t we have good relationships regardless of our economic status?

Dr. E: “Economic stressors affect relationships. If the man is not providing (which is his job), he will feel less of a man. This can have a negative effect on the relationship.”

C: What is a “normal” relationship and what is a healthy relationship?

Dr. E: A balanced give-and-take is the basis of a healthy relationship. The name of my third incomplete book is The Sacred Dance, which describes a healthy balanced relationship between two balanced people.

C: How can you know when you first meet and/or start dating someone if they have long-term relationship potential?

Dr. E: Do they stick around? Are you both at peace being around each other? Do you both honor each other? If so, it is a possibility. If all there is…is a heated rush, it is doubtful.

C: What qualities should you look for and avoid in a potential mate?

Dr. E: I look for someone I care deeply about, am at peace with, who can discuss issues I may have and address behaviors that cause me to react. If they can be clear and not defensive, agree to review what is not working, are honorable, have integrity and seem to genuinely care for and about me – that is good. If they find excuses for upsetting behaviors, own up to nothing, and are self-involved, and I am feeling uneasy, jealous, resentful, alone, uncared about, lied to – (these are signs to avoid) then that’s all she wrote.

C: How do you break out of a pattern of dating the wrong people? How can you recognize the wrong people?

Dr. E: A pattern of “wrong people” is most likely codependency, which is the addiction to the struggle to be loved. Counseling, CODA [Co-Dependents Anonymous], [and] self-discovery are all available. Doing nothing will guarantee the same negative results.

C: What are three behaviors or mindsets you can adopt to improve your ability to find the right person?

Dr. E: AM I being the right person? What is it I really need? Am I pretending not to know something about myself and/or my partner that will make it clear? Am I blocking letting in the best partner for me?

C: What are three behaviors or mindsets you can adopt to improve your relationships?

Dr. E: How am I being loved that I am choosing to ignore and why? Am I creating situations/strife that blocks this love? How can I participate more fully in my relationship?

C: Does the man have to lead in a relationship, and how?

Dr. E: Both lead in their respective manner. The man leads more directly, while the woman encourages. Neither are [the] lessor or weaker, just leading from their sex’s perspective.

C: What are the differences between the self-limiting beliefs men have, versus the ones women have?

Dr. E: Men have to be macho to be men, therefore limiting their ability to feel and take in love. Women are taught they are weaker and less intelligent by nature, thereby limiting their inherent strength, their wisdom.

C: What could our families have taught us growing up that would help us in relationships as adults?

Dr. E: How to be whole and balanced, which they probably aren’t themselves.

C: Do “crazy relationships” work for some people? Why?

Dr. E: Some people like to be whipped to achieve physical orgasms. Is it crazy? Does this work for them? They say it does, but perhaps it is the only way they can feel, not knowing what love really is.

C: What qualities in a man most attract good quality women for long-term relationships, and what qualities in a woman most attract good quality men for long-term relationships?

Dr. E: This is a difficult question as the answer will be different for a healthy relationship. Present world answers, which create relationships that are bartered for, are the problem.

C: Do you believe that you need to just “be yourself” to do well with the opposite sex? Is this different for men and for women?

Dr. E: The big question is WHO AM I? Most people really have no idea who they are, but are just acting out the roles they have been taught. So the answer is YES, but you need to be clear who you are first.

C: Is there a correlation between how quickly a couple has sex and success of the LTR?

Dr. E: Quick sex will get the sexual compatibility question out of the way quickly, which is good. However, it can miss important understandings about one another that can be overlooked.

C: What are the most important ways a couple should be compatible? How do you screen for these compatibilities?

Dr. E: Screen for compatibility? Well first look at yourself and see what you really need, not just what you want. Then ask questions. I have found that within the first hour, I have all the info I usually need if I just LISTEN, and I don’t make excuses for my perspective partner answers or explain them away. If they say they are a retired axe murderer, penis amputator, etc., I believe them. I want warm fuzzy feelings, not cold prickly ones.

C: What do you know now about women and relationships that you wish you knew at 21?

Dr. E: A Whole Lot! In fact I have written books about relationships out of my experience, misunderstanding, and lack of self-knowledge. But the biggest thing is they are not the enemy, but they can be.

C: Do you feel that people have too many dating deal breakers? Is that a problem? Is this different between men and women?

Dr. E: Most I have heard are trite, hollow statements based in our own rigid thoughts. Get rid of them. Base it on honest feelings. If a woman did something unacceptable, it is possible after we discussed it that she owns up to it and… agrees to change, then that is a good thing. If they defensively argue and are not open to hearing what I am saying, that will cause me to move on. However, a relationship is NOT A DEAL, and trying to make it so…ruins it.

C: What are some deal breakers that you feel are not appropriate?

Dr. E: People looking for loveless arrangements based in their mental constructs. Not knowing who they are, but looking for some formula based relationship.

-Cuisine

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Rachel Sussman, LCSW, is author of The Breakup Bible and a licensed psychotherapist. Below is my interview with her.

-Cuisine

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What do you think are the main reasons couples breakup?

There are many reasons why couples breakup, but the top 10 ones are:

Infidelity, financial and/or career difficulties, addictions, disagreement over commitment, sexual problems, life crisis, emotional or physical abuse, parenting stress, incompatibility/ growing apart, and what I call “dirty fighting” (repeated nagging, criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and anger). It’s important to have awareness of these reasons to ensure that your relationship doesn’t fall into any of these common pitfalls.

• What are some warning signs that you are heading towards a breakup (or divorce)?

There has been a shift or a change in a pattern in your relationship. I.e., less sex, more arguing, less communication, less intimacy, spending less time together.

• What are some ways people can give relationships a better chance for success from the beginning?

One way is to know if someone is the right fit for you within the first three months of dating, and to walk away before you get in too deep if the relationship isn’t good. You can do this by developing better assessment tools (or what I call “radar”) when you are newly dating someone. Be aware of “red flags”. I always say, “People will reveal pretty much everything you need to know about them in 5 dates.” You just have to pay attention, be careful to not drink too much, get into bed too soon, and don’t gloss over something if it doesn’t add up. Also, the more you have in common the better the chance for success. Opposites may attract, but the odds aren’t great that those relationships can last. On the other hand, if you are with the right person, get off on the right foot by discussing life goals, treating each other with kindness and respect, cherishing each other, nurturing the relationship, having fun, and being aware of the reasons why couple breakup.

• How can people improve their relationship communications skills?

I regularly see couples that are good together in many ways, yet their relationships ends because they are poor communicators.  Anyone can learn how to be a better communicator if they follow a few simple rules:

If something is bothering you that you’d like to discuss with your partner, here are a few suggestions to turn you into a master communicator:

• Pick your battle – Think before speaking. Are you sure it’s worth bringing this topic up? And if so, what result are you looking for?
• Choose your moment – Good timing is really important. Ask yourself when might be an effective time to begin this discussion? Don’t start in if your partner is exhausted or in a bad mood, or if you are rushing to get somewhere.
• Use “I” statements instead of blaming ones – Speak about how you feel. For example, “It hurts my feelings when you say you don’t like to spend time with my friends” as opposed to “You are so antisocial and don’t like anyone, what’s wrong with you?”
• After you’ve said your piece, sit back quietly and listen.
• Don’t interrupt – It is rude and will frustrate your partner.
• Be mindful not to be defensive – Take a deep breath and relax. Behaving in a defensive manner accomplishes nothing positive, and worse, it will aggravate the situation and can cause an escalation.
• Validate what your partner has said even if you don’t agree. This is a great skill to acquire and it really works well. You can do this by simply repeating back what he or she has said. For example, “I hear that you are saying you do like my friends, but you don’t like to stay out late during the week because it tires you. Is that correct?” This will keep the dialogue going in the right direction.
• What are some suggestions to help breakup or divorce amicably?

Unfortunately the definition of the word “breakup” doesn’t necessarily connote peace, love and understanding. Still, I always instruct my audience to take the high road (especially if kids are involved). You can be kind and respectful to your partner, even at the end of a committed relationship.  Be mature and tell your partner why you are ending the relationship.  Talk in “I” statements (as opposed to blaming statements). And don’t make poor choices such as getting involved with another partner before your current romance is officially over. You will feel so much better about yourself and your circumstances if you breakup honorably and gracefully.

• Why is your book geared towards women? Do men not need the support?

Of course men need support, but you can’t be all things to all people. Men and women deal very differently with their emotions. They also heal in diverse ways.  My research uncovered that women prefer to be in a healing circle with women after a breakup, and that’s exactly what I strived to create with “The Breakup Bible.” But stay tuned, there could be a book for men down the pike.

• How can your friends/family support your after a bad breakup?

Building a support system is crucial after a breakup and I give lots of suggestions on how to do so in “The Breakup Bible”. Family and friends can provide support by validating your experience, offering a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen to your narrative (talking is important!). They can also help combat loneliness by including you in activities and socializing. And, they can offer humor and hope.

Tell us a bit about your three-phase process of Healing, Understanding, and Transformation.

Recovering from a breakup is like running a marathon as opposed to a sprint. You can recover, but it takes time and hard work. My three phases of Healing, Understanding, and Transformation shape the book in a building-block style that lets the reader move through the process at her own pace.

The main concept behind Healing is that recovery takes time and it can’t be rushed. You must settle into your breakup and start taking excellent care of yourself. You have to build a support system, learn how to navigate your emotions, and if kids are involved, learn how to communicate effectively with your ex.

Understanding why you picked your ex as your lover, how you behaved during the course of your relationship, and how you mourned your breakup, is the lynch pin to a full and healthy recovery.  The explanation and examination of this crucial healing phase is eliminated from all other breakup books on the market. If you press “fast forward” and don’t take the time to fully comprehend these factors, you are endangering yourself to repeat the same patterns and make similar mistakes in all future relationships. You may also be setting yourself up for a life of continual heartache, isolation, depression and disappointment. Skipping this phase and avoiding this revealing work is the main reason why a large percentage of women don’t ever recover from a breakup or divorce. I teach my readers about this through an exercise called, “Creating Your Personal Love Map.” Also, concepts such as taking accountability, letting go, and forgiveness are explored.

In Transformation, the reader is finally out of the depths of her despair. She is now instructed that the past must be left behind, and it’s time to begin building a new life for herself. Many concepts are explored such as rebuilding self esteem, career exploration, volunteerism, expanding your mind, challenging your body, getting a makeover, and finally, dating again. Transformation is a fun section and I give excellent dating advice too.

• How can someone get over an ex more quickly?

By Reading “the Breakup Bible” and following all of the exercises! It is also helpful if you do not spy on or inquire about your ex. Delete his phone number, de friend him on facebook, take down his photos today.

• Do you get clients who ask you how to get their ex back, and does that bother you?

No, it doesn’t bother me at all. I have a lot of empathy for people going through a breakup – it’s a very very painful event. If you didn’t end the relationship, it is perfectly normal to want to attempt to get your ex back. Of course my job is to explore the entire relationship with my clients. Often during this process they will realize on their own, over time, that the relationship was broken and needed to end. Once that realization occurs, they will move toward acceptance. That is a powerful moment.

• If someone is repeating a destructive pattern in their relationships, how do you get them to recognize and correct it?

This is an excellent question and it is discussed in detail in my “Understanding” phase. You can break destructive patterns by creating and interpreting your “Personal Love Map” – my unique and proven exercise which will help you understand why you picked your ex as your lover, how you behaved during the course of your relationship, and how you mourned your breakup. This is the lynch pin to a full and healthy recovery.  These patterns can be broken and once that occurs, it’s thrilling for me to witness people going forward to create much healthier relationships.

• What advice do you have for managing separations or divorces that involve kids?

1. After an agreement to divorce has been reached, effectively communicate the circumstances to your children along with your ex.

• Describe the impending divorce as a unified decision made by adults.
• Explain the difference between adult love and the love that a parent has for a child. Two very different types of love.
• Adult love – sometimes it lasts, sometimes it doesn’t.
• Love for a child – Unconditional. It lasts forever. “We will always love you. We will always be your parents.”

1. Assure your children that they will be safe.

• Commit to putting your children’s needs first and settling them in. “Your welfare comes first.”
• “We will always talk over decisions together that will impact your life.”
• “Our family is changing, but we are still a family.”
• Delay dating.

1. 3.    Agree to be excellent co-parents.

• Your children didn’t ask for this. You are obliged to be the best parents you can be.
• Commit to taking the high road and rising above petty concerns.
• Just because you’re ending your marriage contract doesn’t mean you’re ending your contract to be excellent parents.

1. 4.    Make a commitment with your ex to never say a bad word about each other to your children.

• Your child is made up of 50% of each parent. If a parent badmouths the other, the child will experience it as a psychological blow to themselves. “If you hate my dad, you must hate me too.”
• Badmouthing an ex is very dangerous to your child’s self-worth.

1. 5.    Put an excellent support system in place for your children.

• Inform your children’s school and their teachers of the situation.
• Many schools now offer support groups for children of divorce.
• Find out what other resources are available to help your kids through what will be a tough time.
• Socialize with other divorced families to show your kids that they are not strange or different.

• Do you have any last words of advice for our readers who want to move forward from a breakup or divorce?

• Make peace with the concept that full recovery takes time and cannot be rushed.
• Validate yourself. You are not alone. Millions of people have gone through difficult breakups and divorces and have fully recovered. In time, you will too.
• Hold on to hope. If you want to recover, and put in the time to do so, you will.
• Do not run from your feelings. Take the time to sit with and explore them.
• Build and excellent support system and use it regularly.
• Commit to fully cutting ties with your ex if you can.  It will accelerate your healing.
• Do not spy on or inquire about your ex. Delete his phone number, de friend him on facebook, take down his photos.
• Total recovery requires and honest inventory of your relationship and life history. Pledge to acquire a full understanding about why your relationship actually ended. It will help you build a higher “EQ” (emotional intelligence) and allow you to have enhanced relationships in the future.
•  Take accountability. You have to understand the part you played in the breakup (even if miniscule) so you do not repeat any negative patterns in future relationships.
• Don’t date until you are fully recovered.

We were recently sent Rachel Khona‘s tips below regarding how to get past her friends. It is interesting to have a woman’s view on this topic.

-Cuisine

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Rule # 1 Read the group’s body language

If a group of girls is huddled in deep conversation, do not interrupt. Wait for the conversation to flow into something less intense. You’ll notice a relaxation in their body language and you can use that moment to make your move. Or look for a group of women that actually look like they’re having fun. A good cue would be women standing outwards instead of towards each other, or a group of women laughing. They’ll be more apt to let you in the on conversation, and chances are you’ll enjoy their company a lot more.

Rule #2 Focus your flirting on her

Do not flirt with all of her friends too. Make her feel like the only girl in the world as well.  Otherwise you’ll turn dream girl off, and her friends will just think you’re a player. And when you try to ask her for her number, chances are you’ll get shot down.

Rule #3 Be Friendly

On the flip side, don’t ignore her friends altogether. Being able to talk to everyone at the table shows that you’re comfortable talking women platonically. This is doubly important if she’s only with one other friend. If it’s a group, it’s a different scenario, but if she’s only with one girl, she won’t want to ditch or ignore her. Women often follow the rule “chicks before dicks”. Make nice with her friends and you’ll come across as natural and sociable, rather than a predator.

Rule #4 Treat her like a lady

Once you’ve established a good rapport with the group, ask her if she would like a drink and make sure you pay for it. If she gets up to go to the ladies’ room, hold her chair or bar stool out for her when she comes back. Help her put her coat on if you guys go outside for a smoke. Old-fashioned chivalry can be rare and it will impress the women in spades. Soon enough, you’ll have them all singing your praises. No matter how egalitarian we become in the workplace, in society, in relationships, or anywhere else, women still want to be treated like a lady. Doing any or all of the above shows that you value her and, (after you buy that drink), that you’re anything but cheap.

Rule #5 Don’t let the group shake your confidence

Women can smell insecurity and desperation. Do not allow yourself to be intimidated just because the girl in question is super hot.  If you start acting nervous and jittery around her, her friends will start rolling their eyes and giggling, and you’ll be a goner before you’ve said five sentences. Nobody wants to see their friend with a “mangina”.

Rule #6 Don’t put on a show (of yourself)

Save the braggadocio for your bros. Her friends do not want to hear about your latest merger, your car, your house, and your latest vacation all night long unless you’re trying to pick up gold diggers. You’ll make yourself seem like an insecure, pathetic bore.  Obviously, you do want to talk a little bit about yourself, but not to the point of self-obsession. Everyone likes talking about themselves, so use that to your advantage. Since you’re trying to get her friends on your side, make a point of asking them and her about themselves. They’ll think you’re caring and sensitive. And perfect for their friend.

Rule # 7 Don’t Argue

You may have been on the debate team, but this is not the time to impress her friends with your oration skills. Being passionate is usually a good thing, but not when it makes other people feel uncomfortable, disrespected, or foolish. If a charged topic comes up in the conversation, put in your two cents but do it calmly and but respect what everyone else has to say. Everyone has the right to their opinions, so until you and dream girl have been dating for a while, keep from stirring the pot.

-Rachel Khona

Here is a short article I wrote for DC Life Magazine’s style issue.

Style is more than just how you dress—it also includes how you carry yourself. So, let’s talk about some good ways to make a good first impression (other than being on time).

When people are interested in each other, they tend to ask questions, be responsive, and hopefully share of themselves. Some other good signs are good eye contact, touching occasionally, laughing at each other’s jokes, putting themselves in your proximity, and in the case of women, play with their hair. Yes, I am simplifying things a bit–I could write several articles about body language and flirting (and may yet).

If you don’t have it, adopt comfortable (and open) body language (including good posture). This is something you work on over time. As an example, if you come off as nervous because you are fidgety and speak quickly, then you can work on calming your hands and speaking more slowly. If you come off as closed because you block yourself with crossed arms, scarves, turtlenecks, a drink, etc., then you can work on opening yourself up–your throat, chest, and groin should not be blocked by anything. Being seen as unapproachable is a problem that many women have, especially in cities like DC and New York City.

Always dress well, even if you are just going to 7-11 for two minutes. You never know where you will meet someone, and clothes that don’t fit (or flatter) you or are worn out are never appropriate. Gym clothes are appropriate when you are exercising. Women for some reason tend to have negative impressions of pleated Dockers and Hawaiian shirts on men (well, probably on anyone). I am fine with jeans as long as they are nice jeans and are not too fatigued; I like Express jeans (especially since they text coupons so are a good value), but if you have the funds for higher end jeans like Joe’s ($160 a pair), that works as well. Women notice details, including a nice belt, pair of shoes, etc. Yes, women DO look at your shoes (including the backs of the shoes for shine), so nice (and shined) shoes help. Men don’t usually look at women’s shoes, but for women, clothes or shoes that make you feel confident or sexy can help.

 If you dress average, then you seem average. Is that the impression you want to make? If you need it, get help! Most people have stylish friends they can ask about style advice, but various stylish clothes stores have knowledgeable employees—if they are pushing your limits a bit, that is alright. A good style website for men is Kino Wear, and they guy who runs it performs style consultations for men (in New York City). You can also find a variety of good websites that teach you how to match colors (often with the aid of a color wheel). Yes, we all know, black shoes and shown belts do not match, unless you have one of Jon Wye’s belts that contains both brown and Black. If you like pendants, try Creative Art & Soul.

-Cuisine

Edit  2/2: Price goes up from $300 to $400  tomorrow!

Edit: 1/20: Price goes up from $200 to $300 at midnight tonight (1/21)!

-Cuisine

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I was a speaker and infield daygame coach at this conference last year.  Here it is again!

The Global Pickup Conference (Kings of Pickup), Washington DC (Georgetown) During The Weekend Of March 23th – 25th, 2012

INCLUDED WITH ADMISSION

• 2 Days Of In Class Training
• 1 Full Day Infield Training
• 100 Page Routine Manual (Worth Over $100)
• VIP Forum Access
• VIP Video Vault Access Over 10 Hours of Video Infield & Training Footage (Worth Over $300)
• Free Podcast Subscription
• FREE DC Guide
• FREE Raffle Ticket We will be raffling off FREE Products & Training Throughout the conference.
• Discounts on Hotels & Food
• And Much More…

Speakers:

Speer

Vince Kelvin

Brad P.

Ross Jeffries

David Wygant

Erika Awakening

And More…

Buy tickets here. It is currently only $299, but the price jumps to $399 soon–buy now.

Pickup 101 is giving their Banter Deck away for free on their website, so I’m sharing the link with you. It’s funny that this banter deck’s copy write is from 2006, since it is something I’d expect them to continuously update. Then again, I haven’t heard much about them in the last few years. Regardless, grab the deck for free.

Neil Strauss’ U.S. Everyone Loves You When You’re Dead Book Tour:

NEW YORK
March 16, 2011 @ 7:00PM
BOOK COURT
163 Court Street
Brooklyn, NY 11201

WASHINGTON, DC
March 17, 2011 @ 6:30PM
BARNES & NOBLE
555 12th Street NW
Washington, DC 20004

CHICAGO
March 19, 2011 @ 7:00PM
BOOK CELLAR
4736-38 N Lincoln Avenue
Chicago, IL 60625

BOSTON/BROOKLINE
March 20 @ 6pm
Brookline Booksmith
279 Harvard Avenue
Brookline, MA 02446

AUSTIN
March 21 @ 5pm
BookPeople
603 North Lamar
Austin, TX 78074

SEATTLE
March 22, 2011 @ 7:00PM
UNIVERSITY BOOKSTORE
4326 University Way
Seattle, WA 98105

BERKELEY
March 23, 2011 @ 7:00 PM
BOOKS INC
1760 Fourth Street
Berkeley, CA 94710

SAN FRANCISCO
March 24, 2011 @ 7:30 PM
BOOKSMITH
1644 Haight Street
San Francisco, CA 94117

LOS ANGELES
March 25, 2011 @ 7:30 PM
BARNES & NOBLE
10850 West Pico Boulevard
Los Angeles, CA 90064
(followed by a book release
party to be announced soon)

SAN DIEGO
March 28 @ 7 p.m.
BARNES & NOBLE
Mira Mesa MarketCenter
10775 Westview Parkway
San Diego, CA 92126

In my inbox:

DC Fit Week is March 21-25, 2011. It is concentration of three areas: physical, mental, and financial health.  Here is the schedule of free (mind, body, and finance) fitness classes. Below is info on 2 of their Happy Hours.  Go to some events, meet some people (women).  Go to some classes and improve yourself.

-Cuisine
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DC Fit Week: Kickoff Happy Hour
Monday, March 21, 2011 from 5:00 PM – 8:00 PM (ET)
Washington, DC

The DC Fit Week Kickoff Happy Hour is a Fit happy hour at America’s first FIT Restaurant and Bar, FunXion. Enjoy a variety of artfully prepared superfood-enhanced dishes and products that are low in calories and rich in nutrients.

DC Fit Week is sponsoring Stop Colon Cancer Now that night & putting together a raffle to raise money for their incredible organization. Bring cash so you can donate & win great prizes. If you’d like to donate prizes, contact us.

WHERE: FunXion
WHEN: March 21, 2011 5-8pm
HAPPY HOUR SPECIALS: TBD
FOOD: TBD

RAFFLE PRIZES:
Be the first to donate!

SPONSORS:
Listed shortly!

ADMITTANCE: You will not be admitted unless you RSVP. If you are unable to attend after RSVP’ing, please contact us so we can remove you from the list. We expect a packed event.

Sign up for classes, workshops, and events or get coupons at www.dcfitweek.com
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DC Fit Week: *Decompression* Happy Hour sponsored by Monavie
Tuesday, March 22, 2011 from 6:00 PM – 8:00 PM (ET)
Washington, DC

Who doesn’t need to decompress after a long day at work, a long workout pushing yourself running/strength training/yoga/cardio or just because….

DC Fit Week is well underway, why not come and enjoy some tasty drinks created just for this event. Join us in the Executive Lounge at Lounge 201, enjoy healthy cocktails and get your DRINK ON, all while having a good time. What’s a week of fitness without being able to wind down. So come hang while we taste some awesome mixes like the Amazon Bliss or a Monajito.

WHERE: Lounge 201
WHEN: Tuesday, March 22, 2011 6pm-9pm

Happy Hour Specials: $6 Monavie cocktails and martinis

$5 House red/white wine by the glass
$4 Select bottled beer

Raffle: We will raffle off a bottle of Monavie m(mun).

SPONSOR: MonaVie