Day Gamer

For the ladies, here are “5 tips to make it easier to date” from Harlan Cohen, a nationally syndicated advice columnist. Now he’s written the next “He’s Just Not That Into You.”  Harlan’s helping millions of people say what they think and do what they feel so they can find the love of their lives. His new book Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding The Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober) tackles how taking risks can positively impact your dating life.

1. Put yourself in rooms and places where men can easily find you (online and offline). 

2. Say what you think and do what you feel  (but keep it clean).

3. Make eye contact and let a man catch you (but try not to stare, that can be creepy.

4. Ask friends, family, and coworkers to set you up with specific men who interest you.

5. Say “Hi,” ask  questions, and suggest getting together in the future (but let him ask you on a date).

They can be found on Harlan’s blog as well, http://ning.it/VM6xMe.

NerdWallet (a financial website) has crunched the numbers to find that DC is one of the best cities for single men. The city ranks among the top (after Baltimore and before Philly)  in these three major dating categories: odds, accessibility and affordability.

This link shows their findings and methodology. It’s funny, but they chose the categories in such a way that there findings are not wrong. They certainly are not showing the big picture, but, yes, there ARE more women than men here.

But, 12-inch Pizza Hut pizza and 6-pack of Heineken as the metric for a cheap date? Again, it isn’t wrong. Funny, but not wrong.

-Cuisine

Pic courtesy of videobash.com.

I have never been a fan of what I call the “Green Peace” opener.

This has probably happened to you: someone approaches you in the street  and says “Excuse me, do you have time for the environment?” before trying to solicit donations from you that you have no intention of providing. It’s annoying and an interruption, and most of the time, people have (by Greenpeace) been conditioned to just walk away when they  hear the words “excuse me.”I’ve seen many students and coaches (of pickup up) do this same thing, saying “Excuse me” when opening women. It puts you in the target’s mind into the frame of being an interruption, which is not good.

Instead, it is better to open to them like a friend would with the word “hey.” “Hey, that blue is amazing on you. What shade is it, aqua? Cmon, you can tell me, you were a Crayola kid. Had the 128 box with the sharpener?” (This example is one of my personal openers, crayola kid.)

Green Peace has in recent years figured this out too, and now opens differently and opens differently now. Recently I hear them say “I know YOU have time for the environment.”

I am expecially nto a fan of someone opening with “excuse me” and then going direct, since it makes the opener less direct. An exmaple is “Excuse me, I saw you and HAD to meet you.” If you are going to go direct, then go direct! “Hey, I say you and HAD to meet you.”

-Cuisine

I was recently put in touch with local Interior Designer, Elizabeth Rosendorf, president and owner of e.rose designs, who kindly offered to give us (and DC Life Magazine, where I run the dating column) some tips on making our abodes date friendly.

I’m going to add a few suggestions of my own, coed ideas that are less “designy.”  For me, being prepared has always helped me set up a good experience or save the night when something unexpected happens.  Ways to be prepared:

1)     Have ingredients and recipes (that you have tried) on hand so that you can whip up breakfast, lunch or dinner on a moment’s notice.  If you know someone is coming over for a meal, then you can plan better what you will be cooking, but if he or she just happened to come over after the movie (or wherever the date happens to be), it will be more on the fly.  It isn’t difficult to learn how to make a few good dishes. And, yes Elizabeth, it is good to have fruit on hand.

2)     Have specialty food items on hand. If you have gourmet or interestingly flavored items (chocolate, potato chips, ginger ale, cookies, iced tea, etc.), it can certainly add to the experience.  Many people are always looking to try new things, and it also shows that you either are adventurous or have good taste.  These items don’t have to be expensive—I often find interesting specialty food items at World Market, Trader Joe’s, or on sale at Whole Foods.

3)     Have ingredients and recipes handy to make good cocktails. Have some good or interesting wine and beer around as well.  I’ve gotten good beer suggestions from Arrowine in Arlington and the Beer Manager at Whole Foods Arlington, and any decent wine store can make good suggestions as well.

4)     Your local pharmacy is your friend. If your date needs Advil, Imodium AD, a toothbrush, etc., it would be helpful to have them handy before the date is ruined.  Just be prepared for the worst, and while you are at it, always have a first aid kit and fire extinguisher handy as well–I’ve had use for both on dates.  I’m assuming I don’t have to tell you to have condoms and such on hand.

5)     Have a good selection of DVDs as well.  You can invite him or her over to watch movies or can have an impromptu movie night.

-Cuisine

Here are Elizabeth’s separate lists of suggestions for men and women:

Interior Design: Top 10 Ways for a Guy to Make His Space Girl Friendly

1)     Eliminate futons from your home. We know it’s tempting, because they’re convenient and inexpensive, but resist the urge to futon it up, because futons scream man cave. You don’t need to spend a fortune to get a sofa and/or bed, and you don’t need to buy anything super “designy.” If you don’t want to pay full price, buy off of Craig’s List. Your date will appreciate the effort, because sofas and beds are always more welcoming to a woman than a series of nondescript futons.

2)     Get rid of semi-broken and battered furniture. We know you love your arm chair, despite (or perhaps because of) the big rips in the upholstery, and the way it creaks when you crank out the foot rest, but your girlfriend will feel more comfortable if your furniture is in decent condition. It’s good to have lived in, comfortable furniture, but know the difference between broken in and just plain broken.

3)     Don’t let your entertainment center be the most eye catching decoration in your home. There’s nothing wrong with having a big, state-of-the art entertainment center, but add a few pictures or paintings on the walls. Which brings us to number 4:

4)     Blank walls are not welcoming. You don’t want to plaster your walls with images, but spend some time choosing paintings or pictures that represent you. Love soccer? Find a picture of your favorite soccer team. Close to your nieces and nephews? Put up a family montage. And remember to frame and hang everything. Posters tacked to the walls are the province of teenaged set.

5)     If you have the flexibility in your lease, or you own your place, add paint colors to the walls to break up the typical monotony of white/beige walls everywhere. You don’t need to paint every wall or every room. Decide what works for you. Color adds visual interest, and it will give your home a more individual feel.

6)     Stock your fridge with items other than beer. If you happen to enjoy beer, definitely keep some on hand, but put some other necessities in the fridge, like milk, eggs, fruit and yogurt, and keep some cereal in the pantry. You want to be able to offer your girlfriend breakfast in the morning. Which brings us to number 7:

7)     Get a decent set of matching dishes. Your girlfriend will appreciate it if the cereal bowls and the plates go together.

8)     Keep a few bottles of wine around even if you don’t drink it. Lots of women might enjoy a glass of wine with dinner, or after, and they’ll feel more like they belong in your space if you have a bottle on hand. Make sure to stock a few wine glasses, too, so she isn’t stuck drinking wine out of a regular glass. Extra points if you buy a wine rack to hold your bottles.

9)     Get a set of book shelves for your books. I’ve seen a lot of guys just stack up their books in the corner, which creates clutter in their space, particularly when you have a lot of books, and the piles are starting to tip over.

10)    Get matching bed sheets to give your bedroom a more finished feel. Unmatched sheets are distracting, and a put together set will allow your girlfriend to focus on you, rather than the bedding.

Interior Design: Top 10 Ways for a Woman to Make Her Space Guy Friendly

1)     Balance girly touches with neutral colors and clean lines. If you put fluffy cushions on the couch, the couch itself should have smooth lines. If the cushions happen to be pink, go for an off white sofa.

2)     For a more dramatic contrast, go with a black sofa/living room chair set, which will make your girly cushions pop.

3)     In the bedroom, silky sheets in a light color are fantastic and add a feminine touch. A ruffled pink bedspread, not so much. You want your space to feel womanly but you also don’t want your guy to think he’s in “girl world”. Feminine highlights should be just that-highlights.

4)     If you’re naturally less girly, don’t be afraid to show it. There’s no law that says you need pastel or pink/purple highlights. On the other hand, a full on man cave look is not the best approach either. Pick a look that suits you and emphasizes your version of femininity.

5)     My favorite romantic bedroom touch: Hang a mosquito net over your bed and spread it out to surround the entire bed. Or staple colorful wall hangings to the ceiling over your bed to create an exotic feel. It makes your bedroom feel welcoming and feminine but not overwhelmingly so.

6)     If you have the flexibility in your lease, or you own your space, add color to the walls. Pick shades that you feel represent you to give your home an individual feel. Balance brightly colored walls with warm beiges or cool whites, depending on the shades you choose.

7)     Keep some beer in your fridge. Maybe you drink it, too, but even if you don’t, lots of guys do, so it’s best to be prepared.

8)     Buy a few beer steins so if your date does drink beer, he isn’t stuck drinking it out of a wine glass. Extra points if you keep a cool bottle opener on hand.

9)     Keep a few modern vases around your space so you’ll be prepared in case a date gives you flowers. There is nothing more awkward than getting flowers on a date and having to lay them on the table due to a lack of vases. Alternatively, buy flowers for yourself and have fun showing them off in your vases.

10)    Add some pictures and paintings to your walls that represent who you are. Have a favorite football team? Love dance? Put up pictures and paintings that show your world.

Elizabeth’s Bio: Elizabeth Rosendorf, president and owner of e.rose designs, draws on a wealth of experience to provide personal styling, interior design, graphic design, and architectural 3D modeling solutions. She holds a Masters of Interior Design from the Corcoran College of Art + Design, and she has built on her interiors base to develop expertise in graphics, fashion, and 3D modeling. Her philosophy is that the desired design and style exist within the client, and it is her goal to draw this design out and articulate it through her work. Rather than simply placing a solution on her client, she seeks to find the solution within the customer, and then give it form. Her design sensibilities are informed by her upbringing in Washington, DC and by her time spent studying and working in France and Germany, and traveling through Europe. She is devoted to promoting sustainability, and is a Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design Accredited Professional (LEED AP).

Male clients often ask me for inexpensive date ideas in the DC Area since they generally are the ones who plan and pay for dates, and after a while of “trying to find the one” costs can add up. This article focuses on dates outside of your home (as opposed to cooking for her or watching DVDs).  As such, I’m talking about beginning dates, such as first or second dates, although some of the date ideas could work later on as well.

What is important is that you do your research, be prepared, and get an idea for the kinds of activities or foods your date would enjoy.

Check with some of your favorite restaurants and see if they have daily or happy hour specials. This area has enough going on that you can probably find very affordable burger nights, live music, wing nights, salsa dancing, trivia nights, karaoke nights, etc.  somewhere on nearly any night of the week.

You also want to research areas that have appropriate venues for dates. So, if you are taking someone on a date for drinks, look into places you can take her afterwards for dinner, dessert, or just to see the sights. I tend to focus on Gallery Place/Chinatown, Eastern Market, and Clarendon, but you can research areas that are convenient for you, keeping in mind that your dates may not live near you. When I’ve had to choose a Maryland neighborhood for dates, I’ve chosen Bethesda.

Part of doing research is finding out about the person with which you will be going on the date. Knowing her interests, what she likes to drink or eat, and where she either hangs out, lives, or works can be helpful when it comes to suggesting particular places. Even then, you are selling the experience and your knowledge. So, if after researching where the restaurant bargains are on a particular night, you can get across that you know a place for great tacos, sangria, beer, or coffee, she will be more interested in the venue because you are being more specific and have knowledge of the venue or menu item.  This may explain why many of my suggestions in the below list are Latin. J A great art opening, live band, or book signing can work just as well. Know your audience and the venue.

So how can you be prepared? If you’ve already researched several places to get drinks, coffee, and inexpensive food in several neighborhoods, you are prepared with other options if you suggest something that she isn’t interested in. Maybe she doesn’t like sangria or tacos. Or maybe you get to the venue and it is closed for a private party, out of business, or packed with people–have other options ready. Depending on where you both live and the date venue, you may need to think about transportation logistics.

Here are some examples of inexpensive date ideas:

1. The National Zoo, music shows at the Millennium Stage at the Kennedy Center, free outdoor movies (National Mall, Capital Riverfront, Crystal City, Rosslyn, etc.),  Smithsonian museums, and art openings at galleries are good arts and/or culture options that are free.

2. La Tasca in Chinatown has $3.75 glasses of a variety of sangrias and (specific) appetizers in the bar area during happy hour, 4-7pm daily. You want to get here early to get a bar table, so you may wind up waiting for your date. I get there at 5:15 pm, and read a book till my date shows up at 6:00 pm.

3. Zengo in Chinatown has a happy hour that is 7 days a week 5-8PM, and features $5 Latin-Asian Cocktails and $5 Small Plates.

4. Mate in Georgetown has Half Price Sushi, $6 martinis, margaritas, mojitos and glasses of wine, and $4 beer during their happy hour, Monday-Friday 5-7pm.

5. El Centro D.F on 14th Street NW has a year round rooftop happy hour 5-7 pm daily with $4 margaritas, Mexican beers, red & white wine. They also have a $2 taco night featuring chef’s choice of 3 special tacos all Tuesday evening in the Taqueria & Tequileria.

6 & 7. Either Teaism in Penn Quarter or Northside Social in Clarendon are good options to offer along with a bar option like La Tasca or Mate.

8. Eastern Market is a good option for a date on a weekend, when everything is open. Eastern Market works well because you can walk together looking at the stands (joking about the wilder merchandise), and take a break at a coffeehouse or get inexpensive food nearby.

9. Activity dates like hiking, playing pool, or bowling can also be good options, if you are both interested in the activity.

10. Book signings work as well, as long as the date in question is interested in the topic.  Some book signings are free, while other venues (such as Sixth & I) charge for their signings. The authors are often celebrities, making the experience even more memorable. Sixth & I sometimes gives you a discount on the book with the purchase of tickets to a signing.

Now get out there and plan some good inexpensive dates that both of you will enjoy!

·

If you walk into a Dating Coach’s or Matchmaker’s office with a laundry list of qualities you must have in a mate, expect the Dating Professional to either physically light your list on fire (Millionaire Matchmaker), or give you a lesson in statistics (Tough Love Miami, Why Am I Still Single?).  While unrealistic standards certainly can be an issue with both men and women, this is often a tremendous problem for women, so I will focus on women in this month’s column.

Many of my female clients are what people would call “a great catch,” and their friends and coworkers are shocked that these women are still single. Often, a main issue these clients have is unrealistic expectations.

Some of the common deal breaker’s or standards I have come across in female clients include height (6 feet +), religion (type and observance level), race (must be white, not be white, not have an Asian fetish, have dated Asians before, etc), sense of humor, income (six figures +), divorce (must not have been, have been), kids/pets (must have them, not have them, want them, be tolerant of them), and profession (must have a certain type of job, be ambitious, have time for a relationship).

How do statistics work? If you are a woman and you walk into a room of 50 American men, only 6 of them will be at least over 6 feet tall (statistic from Malcolm Gladwell’s book, Blink).  Add any other deal breaker other than really basic ones, and chances are there is nobody left in your dating pool.  There are actually far less American men making at least a 6-figure salary than those who are 6 feet or taller. The combination of things you are looking for should not eliminate your entire dating pool.

Shouldn’t people have deal breakers and standards? Absolutely! You need to screen out inappropriate matches, and screen in appropriate ones. Religion, whether someone wants kids, and where they want to live are examples of completely legitimate deal breakers.

Yes, you should be attracted to potential mates, but this works differently for men and women. Men generally know instantly (visually) who they are attracted to, while a large part of what makes a man attractive to a woman is how he makes her feel. So, give people a chance—as long as the person in question is within the range of possibility, put aside stereotypes you might have based on their appearance and have a conversation with them to see if there is chemistry.

I have more detailed exercises I do with clients in person, but for now I want you to think about the following things: (1) What are the top 5 qualities I need in a mate, and in what ranked order. (2) Does the list look realistic, with men existing in sufficient quantity for you to be able to find them? (3) Think about how you would screen (ask questions, tell stories that highlight characteristics and pay attention to his response, tell him what you want, etc) for whatever qualities are on your list. Keep in mind that the trap/pattern that a lot of people fall into is going after qualities they want instead of qualities they truly need, so prioritize needs before wants. Make sure the qualities on your list are not duplicated (such as 2 ways of saying honest) or conflicting.

If you are serious about men who have a particular quality, think about where you can find them. So, if it is really important to you that your man is extremely athletic (such as a runner), you would go to the specific events/venues (marathons, runner’s meet ups, specific gyms), dating events (speeddating for fit professionals) and websites (including themed community or dating websites) that they would frequent. It helps to meet as wide a variety of people that could potentially have the qualities you are looking for as possible, since you never know exactly who you will connect with.

So, go out there, meet some new people, try some new things, and have fun!

-Cuisine

BTW, I wrote this article for my monthly DC Life Magazine column for February, but the magazine is late in posting it to the website. I believe it is already in the app version of the magazine.

Price goes up from $300 to $400  soon.  Info here. Buy tickets from my link here.

-Cuisine

You should whenever possible set up the actual date during your initial conversation. THEN you can trade information so you can text the day of…if necessary. You will get less flakes this way.

Texting “call back humor” works, even the same evening. So, if you teased her that she was “trouble” or a “rockstar” then use that in the text. In general, don’t tease girls about a way you do not want them to act…so “brat” may not be the best choice.

I call a girl 2-3 days later, although I’ve found that Sundays at 2 or 3 pm work really well…and girls tend to pick the phone up.

If you have to leave a voice mail, it should be about something you talked about.  She said she just got back from Barcelona so you leave the message “I looked up Barcelona on the web and saw this crazy thing and wanted to know if you saw it when you were there.”

It’s ok to leave a second voicemail the following week but you could also try texting her a few after you left the voicemail.

Some girls either don’t respond to phone calls (or voicemails) or don’t respond to texts.

If you go for a # and she is giving you an email instead, she isn’t interested. Exceptions would be speeddating (where you can get #s but some women think of speeddating as electronic) and a girl who has a BF or a husband and wants to hookup but may share a bill or be with him when you call. If I go for a # and she tried to switch to email or not give it to me, I tell them that we will text later, and get it anyway. Or, I start doing a false takeaway/roll out…and see if they stop me. Sometimes you just need to overcome the objection.

On any given holiday, text all your flakes from the last month or so with “happy X” with X being the holiday. Sometimes it hooks. Heck, you could probably do the same with “happy Friday” but I haven’t tried it.

If you have questions or more tips, email them to cuisine@daygamer.net.

-Cuisine

A friend recently said he has a comfort problem which he just defines as “connection.”  There are actually several kinds of rapport/comfort and ideally you would be good at all of them:

Deep Rapport: Making deep emotional connections quickly.  I know only a handful of of local guys (all but one are coaches) who are really good at this but if you can be decent at it, it will help with LMR and deeper connections. Basically you are being vulnerable and sharing deep things about yourself. An example is telling how your divorce crushed you but made you a stronger person.

Wide Rapport: “We can talk about anything.” This is often called “comfort.” Basic conversational skills plus knowing what questions to ask so that you always have somewhere to go whatever her answer. I do this with “Where are you from?” since I can always use it to jump to food. She says she is form California…”You one of those West Coast Girls who think Mexican food sucks here?” (They always say yes.) “I know where the good taco joints are but am not telling.”

Comfort: Some people would call this “safety.” She feels safe with you. A lot of the larger guys that I know have a problem with this in sexual escalation, but if you use have been using the “protector” attraction trigger in your stories and interractions, it should help. “Preselection” (women like you, you have women in your life) might help as well.

-Cuisine