Check out the DC GPC! I’ll be coaching daygame at the conference! Mehow, John Keegan, Speer, and Brad P are some of the speakers this year!
These May dates are a reschedule from March–the GPC webpage needs to be updated with the new dates.
-Cuisine
Pic courtesy of videobash.com.
I have never been a fan of what I call the “Green Peace” opener.
This has probably happened to you: someone approaches you in the street and says “Excuse me, do you have time for the environment?” before trying to solicit donations from you that you have no intention of providing. It’s annoying and an interruption, and most of the time, people have (by Greenpeace) been conditioned to just walk away when they hear the words “excuse me.”I’ve seen many students and coaches (of pickup up) do this same thing, saying “Excuse me” when opening women. It puts you in the target’s mind into the frame of being an interruption, which is not good.
Instead, it is better to open to them like a friend would with the word “hey.” “Hey, that blue is amazing on you. What shade is it, aqua? Cmon, you can tell me, you were a Crayola kid. Had the 128 box with the sharpener?” (This example is one of my personal openers, crayola kid.)
Green Peace has in recent years figured this out too, and now opens differently and opens differently now. Recently I hear them say “I know YOU have time for the environment.”
I am expecially nto a fan of someone opening with “excuse me” and then going direct, since it makes the opener less direct. An exmaple is “Excuse me, I saw you and HAD to meet you.” If you are going to go direct, then go direct! “Hey, I say you and HAD to meet you.”
-Cuisine
I was recently this question:
It is difficult toknow whether there will be chemistry on an Internet date. If I meet a woman who I am only want to be friends with, how can I friend zone her?
-S
This is a great question, and one I don’t often hear. Women and men do ask how to avoid the friendzone, and women ask how to put men in the zone, but men don’t usually ask about putting women in the zone.
Men generally know pretty quickly if they are not attractedto a woman. Whether you’ve met her on or offline, you just are not feeling it,but you’d like to hangout with her as friends in the future (without leadingher on). What do you do? Friendzone her. But, you want to do it in a cool way.
Friendzoning A Woman:
John Keegan is a New York City-based dating coach who has been features in various publications including New York Times, New York, and MarieClaire. His website is called The Awaked Lifestyle. I’ve talked to him at 2 conferences where we we both taught and coached. This interview I conducted with John was also featured in DC Life Magazine.
-Cuisine
1) Cuisine: How does your coaching style differ from other dating coaches?
Rather than giving quick tips and fixes, I work with people over time to create a long lasting transformation. My focus is two fold: I focus on eliminating limiting beliefs that are stopping people from living they life they want AND instilling positive beliefs that help them take action to create the social/dating/relationship goals they desire.
2) Cuisine: How would you define flirting?
Stepping out on a limb and being vulnerable for a moment. Being light and playful while grounded in sincerity. Flirting is a perpetual improvisation of boy meets girl.
3) Cuisine: How is flirting different for men than it is for women?
Once one gets into “the flirt” it takes on an improvisational element. The boy is often the initiator of the flirt. But as with any great improvisation the secret is to say yes. It’s the women’s job to say yes.
4) Cuisine: How do you help your clients become more confident and competent at flirting?
I teach people that being social and connecting to others is not only something you practice and rehearse, but it is an actual “practice,” much like yoga, meditation, or playing a musical instrument. It’s a way of being. Not only an external practice such as learning to be absurd, silly, and playful with others… literally practicing being fun. You also have an internal practice of validating yourself (patting yourself on the back) after each interaction no matter what the immediate outcome. The whole secret is to detach from the outcome, and learn to simply love the process
5) Cuisine: Are there certain mindsets (other than confidence) that help you try to instill in clients to make them better flirts? What are they?
He doesn’t need a mindset at all. He needs to get into the present moment, a playful state, a timeless state. That’s what happens when people flirt, they actually leave the confines of their minds. They stop worrying about the future and dwelling on the past. They feel light and easy in that moment, and this makes them want to be around the other person more.
6) Cuisine: What are some verbal signals men can send to women to show they are interested?What are some verbal signals women can send to men to show they are interested?
Verbal signals: at one point in every conversation we must be clear and direct in order to further the relationship beyond this moment. The way to do that is through validation. Simply state what it is you like about the person. It can start as an external thing like “I like you’re style or even simpler I like something specific your wearing ( hat, shoes, bracelet, etc.) and move into more personality based compliments as simple as “you’re cool” or “you’re fun” or even deeper compliments about someone nature or essence. The more specific, the better. When delivered in the moment and in person with true sincerity it almost always lands. The short answer is just tell people what you think is nice about them and don’t expect anything in return.
7) Cuisine: What are some physical/body language signals men can send to women to show they are interested? What are some physical/body signals women can send to men to show they are interested?
For men:
It’s important not to be to imposing when first approaching women. Always give them space to participate in the interaction on their own terms . At the same time be relaxed in front of her. If she’s seated sit down and be on her level. It will make everyone more comfortable.
For women:
Direct eye contact and smiling will let a man feel its safe to approach. Also, relaxing around him and not giving signals like she is going to walk away or she’s in a hurry. Most men will read the slightest signal that she wants to leave as such and exit the interaction. Touching him when either a joke or compliment is exchanged is also effective at building rapport. Also, I think the most important thing one can do is to hug during or at the end of each interaction. It validates the experience and begins the physical relationship.
8) Cuisine: How can one become a more social person?
Look at being social not as a means to an end, but rather as an end unto itself. Stop looking for results and start enjoying the process, the joy of getting to know other people. Treat people as an end unto themselves, not as a means to an end. Treat the moment that you’re SHARING with them as an end unto itself, and not as a means to an end. Make it fun and enjoyable by giving compliments with the pure intention of making others feel good, but expecting nothing (not even a smile) in return.
9) Cuisine: What advice would you give someone who (unintentionally) says inappropriate things to people they are interested in of the opposite sex.
Typically if people are saying inappropriate things it means they are coming from a place of insecurity at which point they decide to knock the other people down to their level so they can exercise some kind of power. These people should work on letting go of fear based thinking and know that putting other people down to get want you want (approval, phone numbers, kisses, love connection) is no way to get what you want.
10) Cuisine: What advice do you have for shy people who want to meet people and flirt? Does this differ if the client is male or female?
Being social is something you actually practice. Both men and women have to learn to play their part. There’s many ways to improve yourself! But there is truly only one way to become better at being social and flirting and that is by doing it!
11) Cuisine: How would you help a client who can’t tell when people are interested or disinterested in him/her?
I teach people to become more aware of their surroundings and the people in it. When you make interacting with people part of your everyday you tune into other people and what they are trying to communicate.
General guidelines are: if someone is responding to your questions, asking their own questions, looking at you, smiling at you, complimenting you, it’s a sign that they are interested. Interested in what? Knowing more. And it is your job to see how much the two of you want to know…
12) Cuisine: What advice would you give a man who is anxious about approaching women he does not already know?
1. It’s your job to approach women you do not know.
2. It’s a good job.
3. Remind yourself that your intentions are good!
4. Remove any agenda and just initiate conversations for the sake of initiating them.
5. Validate yourself for initiating each conversation no matter what the outcome.
13) Cuisine: Any flirting tips for internet daters?
Take the time that you spend on the Internet looking at profiles or building one and go outside of your house and put yourself in situations where real life connections might occur.
14) Cuisine: Do you believe that “the man should lead”?
Yes! I think the man should look at the whole of his life experience and all his friends’ life experience and realize no one is doing his job for him. He should own that and make himself masterful at connecting with women.
What I have discovered through experience is that is seems to be the man’s part to initiate the conversation and help guide it to a place where both the man and women feel like they know something about each other. It’s her part to reciprocate. Women that are good at their job help make it easy and are never lacking in men to date.
15) Cuisine: What do you think about women approaching men and women asking men for phone numbers or dates?
I think it’s great! If there is a genuine connection. She can validate him (say something to him that she finds unique about him ) and perhaps suggest an event that they may have in common. Then exchange numbers as a way of firming up the next meeting.
16) Cuisine: Any flirting tips for speed dating?
Know yourself and know what you like. Be as light as a feather and as deep as ten thousand oceans ; )
17) Cuisine: How important is who you have with you when you are out meeting people?
Making being social, meeting people and flirting a part of your everyday life is a practice. You don’t need to have anybody with you to say hi to someone while you stand on a street corner or are in line at the supermarket, or to give someone a compliment on a park bench. In fact, relying on others in this area is often another excuse not to change.
18) Cuisine: Any tips for who to have with you?
The only social proof you need is the pleasure of your own company!
I asked John to make up his own question and here it is:
19) Cuisine: Do you believe in Love at first site?
Yes, I’m certain that it happens all the time!
—————————————————
Many people complain that they can get dates but not relationships, or relationships but not ones leading towards marriage. Here are some tips:
Know your goals. If you are winding up dating the wrong people (or can’t find the right people), focus on whether you are clear (to yourself and others) on what your goals are, and then screen to make sure that prospective dates match these goals. If you are looking for a FWB, LTR wife/husband, wife/husband & kids, etc., you need to know what that goal is and be firm in it. Your goals should not change based on the people you are interested in. If they don’t meet your goals, don’t get involved with them. I’ve known people who complained that they can’t find a girl suitable for a long term relationship, yet they date people that from the beginning they knew did not meet their LTR standard. Focus your time and energy–wasting time with inappropriate people takes time away from finding and spending time with people who actually could meet your goals.
Screen girls/guys to make sure they match your goals. You can easily come up with questions to screen for a serious girlfriend/boyfriend, future wife/husband, future wife/husband and mother/father of your kids, etc. This does not need to be done on a first date but you CAN screen for casual (hookups, open relationships) vs. serious goals (relationships) on an initial meeting.
Example: women who want kids (relatively soon) generally screen men by asking if the men want kids. The only correct answer to this (as far as these women are concerned) is “yes” (as long as it is true)—otherwise, these women tend to move on. Anything that isn’t a “yes” reads as a “no,” so there is no “maybe.” There is a Friends episode about this. What about women who don’t want kids? In my experience, they are upfront with this information, so that men who want kids know to move on.
Another example: People looking for serious relationships (including marriage) often screen for family values by asking about one’s family and relationship with their family.
Yet another example: If you are looking for a relationship, you can ask what the person looks for in a man or woman for a relationship—if he/she describes you, it is going well. (You have also just sub-communicated that you are looking for a relationship.) This leads into the next section.
Sub-communicate and communicate who you are and what you are looking for in a relationship from the beginning. You are setting the frame and managing expectations. This is done before you even sleep w/the person, and includes both what you say and how you treat people you are (or want to be) involved with. Saying “I’m not looking for anything serious right now.” or “I don’t date.” are ways of communicating casual goals. Or, if you treat a girl/boy like a serious girlfriend/boyfriend by making a point of introduce her/him to your close friends/family, having a drawer or toothbrush for her/him at your house, making her/him breakfast, having traditional dates, and doing traditional “couple activities like supermarket shopping, you are setting a serious “frame” even if you don’t have the “defining the relationship” talk. It isn’t about one thing you do; it’s a combination of things that set the frame. That said, don’t assume you are on the same page–you have to have the talk if there can be a misunderstanding about your gals or something has changed (or you want it to). If your goals are different from each other’s, you are not an appropriate match, and someone could get hurt.
One way to break the pattern of dating (or not finding) the right people is to be open-minded about who we date. Try dating people who you are (or might be) attracted to, but who don’t meet your normal type. There should be some things that are deal-breakers for you, but you should NOT have a huge list, since every item on that list further limits the dating pool (and some of those people may actually be appropriate for you.
Here is a short article I wrote for DC Life Magazine’s style issue.
Style is more than just how you dress—it also includes how you carry yourself. So, let’s talk about some good ways to make a good first impression (other than being on time).
When people are interested in each other, they tend to ask questions, be responsive, and hopefully share of themselves. Some other good signs are good eye contact, touching occasionally, laughing at each other’s jokes, putting themselves in your proximity, and in the case of women, play with their hair. Yes, I am simplifying things a bit–I could write several articles about body language and flirting (and may yet).
If you don’t have it, adopt comfortable (and open) body language (including good posture). This is something you work on over time. As an example, if you come off as nervous because you are fidgety and speak quickly, then you can work on calming your hands and speaking more slowly. If you come off as closed because you block yourself with crossed arms, scarves, turtlenecks, a drink, etc., then you can work on opening yourself up–your throat, chest, and groin should not be blocked by anything. Being seen as unapproachable is a problem that many women have, especially in cities like DC and New York City.
Always dress well, even if you are just going to 7-11 for two minutes. You never know where you will meet someone, and clothes that don’t fit (or flatter) you or are worn out are never appropriate. Gym clothes are appropriate when you are exercising. Women for some reason tend to have negative impressions of pleated Dockers and Hawaiian shirts on men (well, probably on anyone). I am fine with jeans as long as they are nice jeans and are not too fatigued; I like Express jeans (especially since they text coupons so are a good value), but if you have the funds for higher end jeans like Joe’s ($160 a pair), that works as well. Women notice details, including a nice belt, pair of shoes, etc. Yes, women DO look at your shoes (including the backs of the shoes for shine), so nice (and shined) shoes help. Men don’t usually look at women’s shoes, but for women, clothes or shoes that make you feel confident or sexy can help.
If you dress average, then you seem average. Is that the impression you want to make? If you need it, get help! Most people have stylish friends they can ask about style advice, but various stylish clothes stores have knowledgeable employees—if they are pushing your limits a bit, that is alright. A good style website for men is Kino Wear, and they guy who runs it performs style consultations for men (in New York City). You can also find a variety of good websites that teach you how to match colors (often with the aid of a color wheel). Yes, we all know, black shoes and shown belts do not match, unless you have one of Jon Wye’s belts that contains both brown and Black. If you like pendants, try Creative Art & Soul.
-Cuisine
Male clients often ask me for inexpensive date ideas in the DC Area since they generally are the ones who plan and pay for dates, and after a while of “trying to find the one” costs can add up. This article focuses on dates outside of your home (as opposed to cooking for her or watching DVDs). As such, I’m talking about beginning dates, such as first or second dates, although some of the date ideas could work later on as well.
What is important is that you do your research, be prepared, and get an idea for the kinds of activities or foods your date would enjoy.
Check with some of your favorite restaurants and see if they have daily or happy hour specials. This area has enough going on that you can probably find very affordable burger nights, live music, wing nights, salsa dancing, trivia nights, karaoke nights, etc. somewhere on nearly any night of the week.
You also want to research areas that have appropriate venues for dates. So, if you are taking someone on a date for drinks, look into places you can take her afterwards for dinner, dessert, or just to see the sights. I tend to focus on Gallery Place/Chinatown, Eastern Market, and Clarendon, but you can research areas that are convenient for you, keeping in mind that your dates may not live near you. When I’ve had to choose a Maryland neighborhood for dates, I’ve chosen Bethesda.
Part of doing research is finding out about the person with which you will be going on the date. Knowing her interests, what she likes to drink or eat, and where she either hangs out, lives, or works can be helpful when it comes to suggesting particular places. Even then, you are selling the experience and your knowledge. So, if after researching where the restaurant bargains are on a particular night, you can get across that you know a place for great tacos, sangria, beer, or coffee, she will be more interested in the venue because you are being more specific and have knowledge of the venue or menu item. This may explain why many of my suggestions in the below list are Latin. J A great art opening, live band, or book signing can work just as well. Know your audience and the venue.
So how can you be prepared? If you’ve already researched several places to get drinks, coffee, and inexpensive food in several neighborhoods, you are prepared with other options if you suggest something that she isn’t interested in. Maybe she doesn’t like sangria or tacos. Or maybe you get to the venue and it is closed for a private party, out of business, or packed with people–have other options ready. Depending on where you both live and the date venue, you may need to think about transportation logistics.
Here are some examples of inexpensive date ideas:
1. The National Zoo, music shows at the Millennium Stage at the Kennedy Center, free outdoor movies (National Mall, Capital Riverfront, Crystal City, Rosslyn, etc.), Smithsonian museums, and art openings at galleries are good arts and/or culture options that are free.
2. La Tasca in Chinatown has $3.75 glasses of a variety of sangrias and (specific) appetizers in the bar area during happy hour, 4-7pm daily. You want to get here early to get a bar table, so you may wind up waiting for your date. I get there at 5:15 pm, and read a book till my date shows up at 6:00 pm.
3. Zengo in Chinatown has a happy hour that is 7 days a week 5-8PM, and features $5 Latin-Asian Cocktails and $5 Small Plates.
4. Mate in Georgetown has Half Price Sushi, $6 martinis, margaritas, mojitos and glasses of wine, and $4 beer during their happy hour, Monday-Friday 5-7pm.
5. El Centro D.F on 14th Street NW has a year round rooftop happy hour 5-7 pm daily with $4 margaritas, Mexican beers, red & white wine. They also have a $2 taco night featuring chef’s choice of 3 special tacos all Tuesday evening in the Taqueria & Tequileria.
6 & 7. Either Teaism in Penn Quarter or Northside Social in Clarendon are good options to offer along with a bar option like La Tasca or Mate.
8. Eastern Market is a good option for a date on a weekend, when everything is open. Eastern Market works well because you can walk together looking at the stands (joking about the wilder merchandise), and take a break at a coffeehouse or get inexpensive food nearby.
9. Activity dates like hiking, playing pool, or bowling can also be good options, if you are both interested in the activity.
10. Book signings work as well, as long as the date in question is interested in the topic. Some book signings are free, while other venues (such as Sixth & I) charge for their signings. The authors are often celebrities, making the experience even more memorable. Sixth & I sometimes gives you a discount on the book with the purchase of tickets to a signing.
Now get out there and plan some good inexpensive dates that both of you will enjoy!
-Cuisine
Check out my friend’s Costa Rico Tours and don’t forget to use the code “TOUCAN” to save money. He is local and has some group tours that you can join.
·
If you walk into a Dating Coach’s or Matchmaker’s office with a laundry list of qualities you must have in a mate, expect the Dating Professional to either physically light your list on fire (Millionaire Matchmaker), or give you a lesson in statistics (Tough Love Miami, Why Am I Still Single?). While unrealistic standards certainly can be an issue with both men and women, this is often a tremendous problem for women, so I will focus on women in this month’s column.
Many of my female clients are what people would call “a great catch,” and their friends and coworkers are shocked that these women are still single. Often, a main issue these clients have is unrealistic expectations.
Some of the common deal breaker’s or standards I have come across in female clients include height (6 feet +), religion (type and observance level), race (must be white, not be white, not have an Asian fetish, have dated Asians before, etc), sense of humor, income (six figures +), divorce (must not have been, have been), kids/pets (must have them, not have them, want them, be tolerant of them), and profession (must have a certain type of job, be ambitious, have time for a relationship).
How do statistics work? If you are a woman and you walk into a room of 50 American men, only 6 of them will be at least over 6 feet tall (statistic from Malcolm Gladwell’s book, Blink). Add any other deal breaker other than really basic ones, and chances are there is nobody left in your dating pool. There are actually far less American men making at least a 6-figure salary than those who are 6 feet or taller. The combination of things you are looking for should not eliminate your entire dating pool.
Shouldn’t people have deal breakers and standards? Absolutely! You need to screen out inappropriate matches, and screen in appropriate ones. Religion, whether someone wants kids, and where they want to live are examples of completely legitimate deal breakers.
Yes, you should be attracted to potential mates, but this works differently for men and women. Men generally know instantly (visually) who they are attracted to, while a large part of what makes a man attractive to a woman is how he makes her feel. So, give people a chance—as long as the person in question is within the range of possibility, put aside stereotypes you might have based on their appearance and have a conversation with them to see if there is chemistry.
I have more detailed exercises I do with clients in person, but for now I want you to think about the following things: (1) What are the top 5 qualities I need in a mate, and in what ranked order. (2) Does the list look realistic, with men existing in sufficient quantity for you to be able to find them? (3) Think about how you would screen (ask questions, tell stories that highlight characteristics and pay attention to his response, tell him what you want, etc) for whatever qualities are on your list. Keep in mind that the trap/pattern that a lot of people fall into is going after qualities they want instead of qualities they truly need, so prioritize needs before wants. Make sure the qualities on your list are not duplicated (such as 2 ways of saying honest) or conflicting.
If you are serious about men who have a particular quality, think about where you can find them. So, if it is really important to you that your man is extremely athletic (such as a runner), you would go to the specific events/venues (marathons, runner’s meet ups, specific gyms), dating events (speeddating for fit professionals) and websites (including themed community or dating websites) that they would frequent. It helps to meet as wide a variety of people that could potentially have the qualities you are looking for as possible, since you never know exactly who you will connect with.
So, go out there, meet some new people, try some new things, and have fun!
BTW, I wrote this article for my monthly DC Life Magazine column for February, but the magazine is late in posting it to the website. I believe it is already in the app version of the magazine.
http://35socialprogress.eventbrite.com/
*** SOCIAL NETWORK 4 PROGRESS *** “Find Your Michelle” Men’s Dating Workshop
7:00pm-9:00pm Monday, March 5th
Madhatter – Upside Down Room 1319 Connecticut Ave, Washington, DC @ Dupont Circle or Farragut Metros
Are you single? Are you tired of the hit or miss aspect of bars and dating sites? Do you want to learn secrets that will lead to better dates and the possibility of connecting with the person of your dreams so you end up with your own Michelle?
Come and join a group of men for an evening of fun and candid conversation about dating in DC.
This social and dating talk is designed for men who are ready to find a more compatible partner. Whether you are ready for long term relationship or just want to meet the kind of mate that can make your life more exciting and fulfilling, our experts will give you clear and specific directions on how to improve your success at dating.
Our coaches are giving us a discounted session that usually costs much more with other area social groups and much less than their one-on-one trainings….so take advantage of it!
You will learn:
· How to use body language secrets to read female “attraction signals” and approachability
· How to begin a conversation with the woman of your choice
· How to improve your body language so that your confidence shows.
· How to use “The Google Principle” in dating
· How to get your personality across in a way that si attractive to women
SPEAKERS:
Jason is a Dating Coach who teaches how to start and improve conversations and make positive impressions on people. He also specializes in improving your body language and teaching you how to read other people’s body language and level of interest.
Oscar is a Master Hypnotist who helps both men and women clear out their past failures and create a more exciting and fun life. His focus is on helping you to live the life of your dreams now. His clients love the way Oscar uses NLP, Hypnosis and other energy based modalities to propel them forward.