Day Gamer

I’m having a free daygame talk in DC on a weekday evening in a couple of weeks. Email me for info and to RSVP at cuisine@daygamer.net.

-Cuisine

This article is from Guest Writer: Discovering Knowledge, who can be seen here giving a safe (watered down but useful) version of the October man Sequence.  He and I often give dating lectures (for men or for women) together.   He is a hypnotist specializing in inner game, smoking cessation,  weight loss, and approach anxiety.

-Cuisine

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Inner game!

What the hell is it and why do I need it?

Let me ask you this, what’s your biggest frustration in meeting the kind of women (or men if you are a woman) that you want in your life?

As a hypnotist, I have a deep level of knowledge of people’s fears, worries, desires, dreams and frustrations.  One of the most often requested outcomes I get is “can you get rid of this fear I have?”

Inner game comes down to your thoughts, beliefs and energy when you are out looking for the kind of person you want to get to know, date or even beyond that.

Here is a “normal” process for fear of approaching:

1. you see attractive person
2. you start to think about talking to them
3. you come up all the reasons why they wont want to talk to you
4. you walk away disgusted that they are so rude (without you actually even trying)
5. you go tell all of your friends how hard it is to meet new, fun people.

From an inner game point of view, this poor person simply had no chance because even before the object of their attraction showed up (and disappeared), they had given up!

Recently, one of the guys I worked with sent me the following text:

client x:  we need to get together again
me:         why? what’s up?
client x:  (I) was supposed to continue with hypnosis but I f_ _ _ _ it up

This text came after another painful rejection!

I am guessing that you are reading this because you need help with your skill or at least you want to discover what is working for other people (yes, women have fear of approaching as well, but for different reasons).

Here are 3 of the 5 steps that I have my clients go and do.  Don’t be like the usual keyboard jockeys that simply read it and decide why this wont work and go the next “secret” to getting the person you want!  Go do the work.

step 1: Create a list of your fun and appealing attributes.
this list will contain at least 10 of them and ideally you will ask friends for help on this.
write this list on a business card (3×5 is ok as well)
review the card once a day and keep it with you
ex:  do your friends tell you that you are funny? kind? elegant? driven?

step 2: On the 3rd day of reviewing your list of attributes ask yourself, if there is one new attribute that I could have, what would it be?

charisma
social awareness
funny
fit
sensuality
attractiveness

step 3: find an exemplar who easily and naturally exudes that attribute and learn all you can about that person.

If you want to have more charisma, find a person who simply is charismatic.  This can be person you know or a public person.  If you can a conversation with that person, do it.  If not, short of becoming a stalker, find out all you can about this person and let this knowledge drive you to action.

Both male and female clients have been asking me who should pay for beginning (first, second, maybe third) dates.

The problem:

Many women will offer to split the check on a beginning date.  Some will take offense and not see you again if you don’t pay for the whole check even if they offer to pay part.  Many women are screening men (out) for cheapness. Some women insist that a man let’s her share the cost. I’ve even had women insist on paying for a first or second date.  There is no consistency.

What do I tell men?

Schedule things that are free (zoo, wander eastern market, museums. etc) or inexpensive like drinks (during a happy hour) or coffee and pay for it all.  If it goes well, you can then bounce to food, drinks, coffee, dessert etc…but by then you know you are doing fine and want more time (and bouncing helps w/comfort).  I don’t recommend starting w/dinner since you now have to pay and spend 1.5 hours with a girl you may turn out not to meet your standards one way or another.  You can also do a second date free or inexpensively (take her for a hike or cook for her in your place). Also, cheap ethnic dive restaurants work if you can sell it as the best tacos (or whatever) around.  usually by the 3rd date…many women (especially the more professional ones) will split the check with you and mean it when they offer (they’ll be more insistent).

Keep in mind that it is better to be someone who gets girls through personality and game than someone who gets girls through status/money.  A cute gold digger…is still a gold digger.   Besides, when you get as many dates as we do, it is good to keep expenses down, especially early on with a particular girl.

In a relationship, I do believe we should both contribute somehow (assuming she has the means).  Some of the younger or less professional women do expect you always to pay, but they may not have the means to contribute.

What did I tell a class full of women Thursday evening when they asked who should pay?

Female student:  “who should pay, the man or the woman?

Me: “Would it bother you if you offered to contribute something towards the 1st date and he accepted?”

Her: “Yes.”

Me: “You need to be honest in your actions.  Men get conflicting responses to this.  If you don’t want him to accept, don’t offer to contribute.  If you want to contribute, you can offer.  You can also let him pay for dinner but tell him you are taking him for dessert (or its on you next time) if you want to contribute but don’t like the “halvsies” idea. ”

I don’t like the mindset that some women have that “the person who asks the other out pays” because it is men doing the asking out.  Take turns planning and paying for dates and I’m ok with it.

I was recently asked by a Daygamer.com sbscriber how to handle it when girls try to get you to jump through hoops or be a dancing monkey.  Easy answer is hold on to your frame and don’t comply; stay in control, and steal their frame if you can.

Here is an example from earlier in the summer.  I was working with a daygame client (F) and we were sitting in a cafe.  I opened a middle eastern girl (HB8) and bantered her a while until she went to get a drink, and she sat on the other side of the safe in a couch.  I was helping F with his material, so we didn’t reposition to talk to her again even though she came to us and told me where she was sitting.  

We left to do some daygame and in a couple of hours we went back to the cafe for cold drinks and she was there on the other side reading, so I reopened the set.  I reopened and it went fine.  At some point she pushed a pen and paper towards e and told me to write something (a restaurant recommendation?) down (even though it was easy enough for her to do it).  I told her to do it…and we went back and forth but neither of us wrote it down – I didn’t comply and (jump through her hoop) she wouldn’t write it down either.  She was testing me.  Shit tests are good because it means the girl wants to see if you are real. 

So, talked a bit more and momement of truth…i went for the #.  I figured she might shit test me or make me work for the #.  She only tried for a second. I started going for the # and she said to write mine down, and I said “no…I’ll call you so you have mine too, what is your #?”  She complied without a problem. 

One thing that was great was that the client was there and able to watch and hear the whole set.

Oh, and after working on attraction (his weakness) all day, the client got a makeout at an event I brought him to.

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More recent examples of controlling the set in daygame;  this was Eastern Market: 

A bee was pestering two girls we (a client and I) were talking to.  I told them to remain calm (controlled the frame), and then we put an empty lemoade cup 10 feet from us and the bee landed there and left us alone. A guy came in to kill it and I told him not to mess with her pet bee.  he had attempted to enter our set…and i stopped him.  The bee was no longer bothering anyone…why kill it? He wanted to play the hero to 2 girls who were already talking to 2 guys.

We were talking to 2 girls at a shop and the store owner tried to interfere by asking if I wanted to buy the necklace.  I told him i’d get back to him…without focusing on him and then drew the girl into banter about the necklace.  The message:  The girls are fine talking to us, and I’ll let you know when I need your help with merchandise.

This weekend was a blast.  I worked the Venusian Arts bootcamp with Lovedrop, Discovery (London), and Adept (a local coach like Knack).   VA calls me (and adept and Knack) in when they are in NYC or DC.  The students mainly seemed to be from NY, PA, and the DC area…although one flew in from NM.  Knack is in Mexico (not NM) right now.

Girl Candy was there as were two former students of mine from last year – one of which (Derby, who Discovery called “Darby” at the beginning of the bootcamp and “Ditzy” near the end) is now a sales associate for VA (they are looking for more sales help, btw).   The other student is a great guy who is a former stutterer who helps other stutters speak better – a leader in that community.

I don’t want to give a play by play on the whole thing, but I will write a few posts about the weekend.

On meal breaks, anyone who wanted to could come with me to whatever restaurant i was heading to…so I got to spend time with the students outside the lectures and clubs, including ones who didn’t join us in-field.  Some of my stories are about the daygame that happened between the hotel and meals.

In a bar (Saturday night)…I asked a girl for her # and she she “No. you give me yours.  I’m a contract negotiator. You won’t win this, give up now!”  I got her # anyway and she and her room mates met us elsewhere later that evening.”   Many times, you can get a number even if a girl says no.  In this case, she was “shit testing” me – seeing if I’m real and can handle her.

To Be Contiunued Soon…

I met PUMA at the Neil Strauss book signing for “Emergency” a couple of months ago, and she has posted both about our meeting and her experiences pivoting for me (pivot=wing girl).  Her focus is applying PUA tactics to sales and marketing.

This post of hers not only shows the important of focus and having goals, but also shows how important it is to be able to read body language and IOIs.  GC didn’t realize how well he was doing…and PUMA didn’t see the signs until I pointed them out.

-Cuisine

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The Power of Focus by PUMA

“Man–she was all over you.”

“She was?”

“Girl Candy, the woman had her hands between her legs, pressing against her thighs. She was looking for someone to f^%$ and that someone was you.”

“Really?”

“So what’s your plan? Do you want to take her home?”

“I don’t know…”

“Do you want her phone number?”

“Um…”

“Are you going to ask her out? Are you going to take her home? What are you going to do?”

This was the conversation between Girl Candy and Cuisine, his coach.

Girl Candy seemed excited, but confused.

A few minutes earlier he had pulled me over to pivot for him as he approached these two HBs (hot babes). One thing about Girl Candy–he has no fear, none of the approach anxiety that paralyzes so many newbies. But then, Girl Candy isn’t exactly a newbie. When Cuisine first told me about him, he said that he is very good, but not a PUA. I had hung out with him twice before, but I had never seen him operate.

Now I understand that he is naturally good with women (attractive and exotic, so that helps, too), but he doesn’t know technique. For example, he doesn’t know how to use a pivot.

So Girl Candy pulled me over to the bar next to these two girls. We laughed about nothing and he “accidentally” bumped into one of them (good move!). Then in a few minutes, he went over to them and opened the set. At first, they busted his balls pretty well and were quite rude. It didn’t phase him and he kept on. Eventually one of the girls turned her back and left the conversation. I stood there like a third wheel.

I kept looking around for Cuisine and tried to think of a reason to leave, but Girl Candy kept bringing me back into the set. The target was still being pretty demanding/rude to him, clearly demonstrating her power. If Girl Candy could put her in her place, he’d be golden, but I was afraid he was just being evasive and failing.

Finally, Cuisine rescued me. He pulled me out of the set and as we stood there he continued to watch them over my shoulder. I told Cuisine I was afraid Girl Candy wasn’t doing very well, but Cuisine begged to differ.

“Are you kidding me? She is IOIing him like crazy! Her hands are all over her throat. Now her hands are all over her thighs.” It must have started after I got pulled out, because I didn’t see any of that–and I pride myself on being good at reading body language (when I pay attention). All I saw was her pushing him around.

But would Girl Candy pull the trigger?

Cuisine took me to another part of the bar where we talked and waited.

Girl Candy finally came over and we debriefed–hence the above conversation between the two of them.

Cuisine kept pushing him–”You could do anything with that girl right now–what do you want to do? What’s your goal?”

He didn’t know. He didn’t even know who his target was when he opened the set, and he certainly didn’t have a planned outcome.

He said, “I just want to see how it flows.”

That’s the difference between a PUA and everyone else. A PUA has a plan. A PUA is focussed. A PUA knows in advance what he’s going to do and does it. It doesn’t work with every girl (Cuisine later got a major blowout from an attractive Asian girl–I think, like me, he gets a kick out of getting people to smile when they look sour or distracted; unfortunately, her expression of boredom (and disgust?) never changed.), but it works.

A PUA has a system. They follow the system, they leave as little as possible to chance, and they get laid.

Girl Candy, on the other hand, like so many other guys, flies by the seat of his pants–a point that Cuisine would emphasize over and over throughout the course of the evening.

I bootcamped 5 guys Saturday about 11 hours, 3/4 of which was day game.   Started at a shopping mall, and bounced to a coffehouse/lounge, and then to several bars. 

At one point we were at the coffehouse and all 5 students were in field.  When they returned one-by-one, I had bounced a cutie to our table, and they didn’t know if she was Shelly (a pivot I said might join us) or a target.  She talked to each one…to see what if we are cool and have a good relationship.  Some of them got confused (she showed interest in everyone) and didn’t know if they could target her, but figured it out.  I set up a date with her during this meeting, so I see her soon.