I am seeing a lot of email subjects/titles about “getting out of the friend zone” when really you want to avoid getting in the zone in the first place. You want to work on your game so that you are not the type of guy who gets routinely friend zoned. If you are not displaying the characteristics women find attractive in men and/or are not showing clear intention (and sexualizing), you are likely to get friend zoned. Without clear intention, they may think you are not interested or even gay. I’m considering writing about this in more depth.
I wrote an article about friend zoning women here: http://www.daygamer.net/2012/09/23/how-to-put-a-woman-in-the-friendzone-lets-just-be-friends/.
P.S., I’ve been so busy coaching and with other projects that I haven’t been updating this webpage regularly. In the last week, I have had a number of requests for more content and for coaching information, so thanks for the reminder guys. I’ll see what I can do about writing again soon. And, keep your comments and questions coming.
Check out the DC GPC! I’ll be coaching daygame at the conference! Mehow, John Keegan, Speer, and Brad P are some of the speakers this year!
These May dates are a reschedule from March–the GPC webpage needs to be updated with the new dates.
For the ladies, here are “5 tips to make it easier to date” from Harlan Cohen, a nationally syndicated advice columnist. Now he’s written the next “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Harlan’s helping millions of people say what they think and do what they feel so they can find the love of their lives. His new book Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding The Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober) tackles how taking risks can positively impact your dating life.
1. Put yourself in rooms and places where men can easily find you (online and offline).
2. Say what you think and do what you feel (but keep it clean).
3. Make eye contact and let a man catch you (but try not to stare, that can be creepy.
4. Ask friends, family, and coworkers to set you up with specific men who interest you.
5. Say “Hi,” ask questions, and suggest getting together in the future (but let him ask you on a date).
They can be found on Harlan’s blog as well, http://ning.it/VM6xMe.
Pros In The City has a deal on Specialicious for $10 for Speeddating.
NerdWallet (a financial website) has crunched the numbers to find that DC is one of the best cities for single men. The city ranks among the top (after Baltimore and before Philly) in these three major dating categories: odds, accessibility and affordability.
This link shows their findings and methodology. It’s funny, but they chose the categories in such a way that there findings are not wrong. They certainly are not showing the big picture, but, yes, there ARE more women than men here.
But, 12-inch Pizza Hut pizza and 6-pack of Heineken as the metric for a cheap date? Again, it isn’t wrong. Funny, but not wrong.
I have never been a fan of what I call the “Green Peace” opener.
This has probably happened to you: someone approaches you in the street and says “Excuse me, do you have time for the environment?” before trying to solicit donations from you that you have no intention of providing. It’s annoying and an interruption, and most of the time, people have (by Greenpeace) been conditioned to just walk away when they hear the words “excuse me.”I’ve seen many students and coaches (of pickup up) do this same thing, saying “Excuse me” when opening women. It puts you in the target’s mind into the frame of being an interruption, which is not good.
Instead, it is better to open to them like a friend would with the word “hey.” “Hey, that blue is amazing on you. What shade is it, aqua? Cmon, you can tell me, you were a Crayola kid. Had the 128 box with the sharpener?” (This example is one of my personal openers, crayola kid.)
Green Peace has in recent years figured this out too, and now opens differently and opens differently now. Recently I hear them say “I know YOU have time for the environment.”
I am expecially nto a fan of someone opening with “excuse me” and then going direct, since it makes the opener less direct. An exmaple is “Excuse me, I saw you and HAD to meet you.” If you are going to go direct, then go direct! “Hey, I say you and HAD to meet you.”
I was recently this question:
It is difficult toknow whether there will be chemistry on an Internet date. If I meet a woman who I am only want to be friends with, how can I friend zone her?
This is a great question, and one I don’t often hear. Women and men do ask how to avoid the friendzone, and women ask how to put men in the zone, but men don’t usually ask about putting women in the zone.
Men generally know pretty quickly if they are not attractedto a woman. Whether you’ve met her on or offline, you just are not feeling it,but you’d like to hangout with her as friends in the future (without leadingher on). What do you do? Friendzone her. But, you want to do it in a cool way.
Friendzoning A Woman:
* In a social circle situation, you may HAVE to friendzone a woman and do it in a cool way so that she does not interfere with you pursuing other women in the circle. Reading books on flirting/body language (such as Superflirt and Superdate by Tracey Cox) should be helpful, so that you realize early on if a woman is into you; this way you know there is an issue and can friendzone her before she gets too into you.
* If it is a date, you obviously still do not want lead her on– act like her buddy. Get the meeting off of a “on a date” vibe to a “friends hanging out” vibe. Tell her “I’m glad we met up. I’m always looking for cool new friends.”
* Tell her that you might have friends who she’d like. By offering to set her up with friends (or even to bring her out with a group of your friends to see if she has chemistry with anyone), you are taking the focus off the possibility of the two of you actually dating.
* Stick to your guns. If you try and friendzone her, she may try to talk you out of it or even sexually escalate you, but if you aren’t interested, it is better to just move on than to “settle.”
I was recently put in touch with local Interior Designer, Elizabeth Rosendorf, president and owner of e.rose designs, who kindly offered to give us (and DC Life Magazine, where I run the dating column) some tips on making our abodes date friendly.
I’m going to add a few suggestions of my own, coed ideas that are less “designy.” For me, being prepared has always helped me set up a good experience or save the night when something unexpected happens. Ways to be prepared:
1) Have ingredients and recipes (that you have tried) on hand so that you can whip up breakfast, lunch or dinner on a moment’s notice. If you know someone is coming over for a meal, then you can plan better what you will be cooking, but if he or she just happened to come over after the movie (or wherever the date happens to be), it will be more on the fly. It isn’t difficult to learn how to make a few good dishes. And, yes Elizabeth, it is good to have fruit on hand.
2) Have specialty food items on hand. If you have gourmet or interestingly flavored items (chocolate, potato chips, ginger ale, cookies, iced tea, etc.), it can certainly add to the experience. Many people are always looking to try new things, and it also shows that you either are adventurous or have good taste. These items don’t have to be expensive—I often find interesting specialty food items at World Market, Trader Joe’s, or on sale at Whole Foods.
3) Have ingredients and recipes handy to make good cocktails. Have some good or interesting wine and beer around as well. I’ve gotten good beer suggestions from Arrowine in Arlington and the Beer Manager at Whole Foods Arlington, and any decent wine store can make good suggestions as well.
4) Your local pharmacy is your friend. If your date needs Advil, Imodium AD, a toothbrush, etc., it would be helpful to have them handy before the date is ruined. Just be prepared for the worst, and while you are at it, always have a first aid kit and fire extinguisher handy as well–I’ve had use for both on dates. I’m assuming I don’t have to tell you to have condoms and such on hand.
5) Have a good selection of DVDs as well. You can invite him or her over to watch movies or can have an impromptu movie night.
Here are Elizabeth’s separate lists of suggestions for men and women:
Interior Design: Top 10 Ways for a Guy to Make His Space Girl Friendly
1) Eliminate futons from your home. We know it’s tempting, because they’re convenient and inexpensive, but resist the urge to futon it up, because futons scream man cave. You don’t need to spend a fortune to get a sofa and/or bed, and you don’t need to buy anything super “designy.” If you don’t want to pay full price, buy off of Craig’s List. Your date will appreciate the effort, because sofas and beds are always more welcoming to a woman than a series of nondescript futons.
2) Get rid of semi-broken and battered furniture. We know you love your arm chair, despite (or perhaps because of) the big rips in the upholstery, and the way it creaks when you crank out the foot rest, but your girlfriend will feel more comfortable if your furniture is in decent condition. It’s good to have lived in, comfortable furniture, but know the difference between broken in and just plain broken.
3) Don’t let your entertainment center be the most eye catching decoration in your home. There’s nothing wrong with having a big, state-of-the art entertainment center, but add a few pictures or paintings on the walls. Which brings us to number 4:
4) Blank walls are not welcoming. You don’t want to plaster your walls with images, but spend some time choosing paintings or pictures that represent you. Love soccer? Find a picture of your favorite soccer team. Close to your nieces and nephews? Put up a family montage. And remember to frame and hang everything. Posters tacked to the walls are the province of teenaged set.
5) If you have the flexibility in your lease, or you own your place, add paint colors to the walls to break up the typical monotony of white/beige walls everywhere. You don’t need to paint every wall or every room. Decide what works for you. Color adds visual interest, and it will give your home a more individual feel.
6) Stock your fridge with items other than beer. If you happen to enjoy beer, definitely keep some on hand, but put some other necessities in the fridge, like milk, eggs, fruit and yogurt, and keep some cereal in the pantry. You want to be able to offer your girlfriend breakfast in the morning. Which brings us to number 7:
7) Get a decent set of matching dishes. Your girlfriend will appreciate it if the cereal bowls and the plates go together.
8) Keep a few bottles of wine around even if you don’t drink it. Lots of women might enjoy a glass of wine with dinner, or after, and they’ll feel more like they belong in your space if you have a bottle on hand. Make sure to stock a few wine glasses, too, so she isn’t stuck drinking wine out of a regular glass. Extra points if you buy a wine rack to hold your bottles.
9) Get a set of book shelves for your books. I’ve seen a lot of guys just stack up their books in the corner, which creates clutter in their space, particularly when you have a lot of books, and the piles are starting to tip over.
10) Get matching bed sheets to give your bedroom a more finished feel. Unmatched sheets are distracting, and a put together set will allow your girlfriend to focus on you, rather than the bedding.
Interior Design: Top 10 Ways for a Woman to Make Her Space Guy Friendly
1) Balance girly touches with neutral colors and clean lines. If you put fluffy cushions on the couch, the couch itself should have smooth lines. If the cushions happen to be pink, go for an off white sofa.
2) For a more dramatic contrast, go with a black sofa/living room chair set, which will make your girly cushions pop.
3) In the bedroom, silky sheets in a light color are fantastic and add a feminine touch. A ruffled pink bedspread, not so much. You want your space to feel womanly but you also don’t want your guy to think he’s in “girl world”. Feminine highlights should be just that-highlights.
4) If you’re naturally less girly, don’t be afraid to show it. There’s no law that says you need pastel or pink/purple highlights. On the other hand, a full on man cave look is not the best approach either. Pick a look that suits you and emphasizes your version of femininity.
5) My favorite romantic bedroom touch: Hang a mosquito net over your bed and spread it out to surround the entire bed. Or staple colorful wall hangings to the ceiling over your bed to create an exotic feel. It makes your bedroom feel welcoming and feminine but not overwhelmingly so.
6) If you have the flexibility in your lease, or you own your space, add color to the walls. Pick shades that you feel represent you to give your home an individual feel. Balance brightly colored walls with warm beiges or cool whites, depending on the shades you choose.
7) Keep some beer in your fridge. Maybe you drink it, too, but even if you don’t, lots of guys do, so it’s best to be prepared.
8) Buy a few beer steins so if your date does drink beer, he isn’t stuck drinking it out of a wine glass. Extra points if you keep a cool bottle opener on hand.
9) Keep a few modern vases around your space so you’ll be prepared in case a date gives you flowers. There is nothing more awkward than getting flowers on a date and having to lay them on the table due to a lack of vases. Alternatively, buy flowers for yourself and have fun showing them off in your vases.
10) Add some pictures and paintings to your walls that represent who you are. Have a favorite football team? Love dance? Put up pictures and paintings that show your world.
Elizabeth’s Bio: Elizabeth Rosendorf, president and owner of e.rose designs, draws on a wealth of experience to provide personal styling, interior design, graphic design, and architectural 3D modeling solutions. She holds a Masters of Interior Design from the Corcoran College of Art + Design, and she has built on her interiors base to develop expertise in graphics, fashion, and 3D modeling. Her philosophy is that the desired design and style exist within the client, and it is her goal to draw this design out and articulate it through her work. Rather than simply placing a solution on her client, she seeks to find the solution within the customer, and then give it form. Her design sensibilities are informed by her upbringing in Washington, DC and by her time spent studying and working in France and Germany, and traveling through Europe. She is devoted to promoting sustainability, and is a Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design Accredited Professional (LEED AP).
John Keegan is a New York City-based dating coach who has been features in various publications including New York Times, New York, and MarieClaire. His website is called The Awaked Lifestyle. I’ve talked to him at 2 conferences where we we both taught and coached. This interview I conducted with John was also featured in DC Life Magazine.
1) Cuisine: How does your coaching style differ from other dating coaches?
Rather than giving quick tips and fixes, I work with people over time to create a long lasting transformation. My focus is two fold: I focus on eliminating limiting beliefs that are stopping people from living they life they want AND instilling positive beliefs that help them take action to create the social/dating/relationship goals they desire.
2) Cuisine: How would you define flirting?
Stepping out on a limb and being vulnerable for a moment. Being light and playful while grounded in sincerity. Flirting is a perpetual improvisation of boy meets girl.
3) Cuisine: How is flirting different for men than it is for women?
Once one gets into “the flirt” it takes on an improvisational element. The boy is often the initiator of the flirt. But as with any great improvisation the secret is to say yes. It’s the women’s job to say yes.
4) Cuisine: How do you help your clients become more confident and competent at flirting?
I teach people that being social and connecting to others is not only something you practice and rehearse, but it is an actual “practice,” much like yoga, meditation, or playing a musical instrument. It’s a way of being. Not only an external practice such as learning to be absurd, silly, and playful with others… literally practicing being fun. You also have an internal practice of validating yourself (patting yourself on the back) after each interaction no matter what the immediate outcome. The whole secret is to detach from the outcome, and learn to simply love the process
5) Cuisine: Are there certain mindsets (other than confidence) that help you try to instill in clients to make them better flirts? What are they?
He doesn’t need a mindset at all. He needs to get into the present moment, a playful state, a timeless state. That’s what happens when people flirt, they actually leave the confines of their minds. They stop worrying about the future and dwelling on the past. They feel light and easy in that moment, and this makes them want to be around the other person more.
6) Cuisine: What are some verbal signals men can send to women to show they are interested?What are some verbal signals women can send to men to show they are interested?
Verbal signals: at one point in every conversation we must be clear and direct in order to further the relationship beyond this moment. The way to do that is through validation. Simply state what it is you like about the person. It can start as an external thing like “I like you’re style or even simpler I like something specific your wearing ( hat, shoes, bracelet, etc.) and move into more personality based compliments as simple as “you’re cool” or “you’re fun” or even deeper compliments about someone nature or essence. The more specific, the better. When delivered in the moment and in person with true sincerity it almost always lands. The short answer is just tell people what you think is nice about them and don’t expect anything in return.
7) Cuisine: What are some physical/body language signals men can send to women to show they are interested? What are some physical/body signals women can send to men to show they are interested?
It’s important not to be to imposing when first approaching women. Always give them space to participate in the interaction on their own terms . At the same time be relaxed in front of her. If she’s seated sit down and be on her level. It will make everyone more comfortable.
Direct eye contact and smiling will let a man feel its safe to approach. Also, relaxing around him and not giving signals like she is going to walk away or she’s in a hurry. Most men will read the slightest signal that she wants to leave as such and exit the interaction. Touching him when either a joke or compliment is exchanged is also effective at building rapport. Also, I think the most important thing one can do is to hug during or at the end of each interaction. It validates the experience and begins the physical relationship.
8) Cuisine: How can one become a more social person?
Look at being social not as a means to an end, but rather as an end unto itself. Stop looking for results and start enjoying the process, the joy of getting to know other people. Treat people as an end unto themselves, not as a means to an end. Treat the moment that you’re SHARING with them as an end unto itself, and not as a means to an end. Make it fun and enjoyable by giving compliments with the pure intention of making others feel good, but expecting nothing (not even a smile) in return.
9) Cuisine: What advice would you give someone who (unintentionally) says inappropriate things to people they are interested in of the opposite sex.
Typically if people are saying inappropriate things it means they are coming from a place of insecurity at which point they decide to knock the other people down to their level so they can exercise some kind of power. These people should work on letting go of fear based thinking and know that putting other people down to get want you want (approval, phone numbers, kisses, love connection) is no way to get what you want.
10) Cuisine: What advice do you have for shy people who want to meet people and flirt? Does this differ if the client is male or female?
Being social is something you actually practice. Both men and women have to learn to play their part. There’s many ways to improve yourself! But there is truly only one way to become better at being social and flirting and that is by doing it!
11) Cuisine: How would you help a client who can’t tell when people are interested or disinterested in him/her?
I teach people to become more aware of their surroundings and the people in it. When you make interacting with people part of your everyday you tune into other people and what they are trying to communicate.
General guidelines are: if someone is responding to your questions, asking their own questions, looking at you, smiling at you, complimenting you, it’s a sign that they are interested. Interested in what? Knowing more. And it is your job to see how much the two of you want to know…
12) Cuisine: What advice would you give a man who is anxious about approaching women he does not already know?
1. It’s your job to approach women you do not know.
2. It’s a good job.
3. Remind yourself that your intentions are good!
4. Remove any agenda and just initiate conversations for the sake of initiating them.
5. Validate yourself for initiating each conversation no matter what the outcome.
13) Cuisine: Any flirting tips for internet daters?
Take the time that you spend on the Internet looking at profiles or building one and go outside of your house and put yourself in situations where real life connections might occur.
14) Cuisine: Do you believe that “the man should lead”?
Yes! I think the man should look at the whole of his life experience and all his friends’ life experience and realize no one is doing his job for him. He should own that and make himself masterful at connecting with women.
What I have discovered through experience is that is seems to be the man’s part to initiate the conversation and help guide it to a place where both the man and women feel like they know something about each other. It’s her part to reciprocate. Women that are good at their job help make it easy and are never lacking in men to date.
15) Cuisine: What do you think about women approaching men and women asking men for phone numbers or dates?
I think it’s great! If there is a genuine connection. She can validate him (say something to him that she finds unique about him ) and perhaps suggest an event that they may have in common. Then exchange numbers as a way of firming up the next meeting.
16) Cuisine: Any flirting tips for speed dating?
Know yourself and know what you like. Be as light as a feather and as deep as ten thousand oceans ; )
17) Cuisine: How important is who you have with you when you are out meeting people?
Making being social, meeting people and flirting a part of your everyday life is a practice. You don’t need to have anybody with you to say hi to someone while you stand on a street corner or are in line at the supermarket, or to give someone a compliment on a park bench. In fact, relying on others in this area is often another excuse not to change.
18) Cuisine: Any tips for who to have with you?
The only social proof you need is the pleasure of your own company!
I asked John to make up his own question and here it is:
19) Cuisine: Do you believe in Love at first site?
Yes, I’m certain that it happens all the time!